woke up at 10plus today.. seeing that nobody is awake and mom's not home.. i went to clarify the bad news didi told me last night.. i went to peep on Dad's mobile phone.. i know that's bad.. but i keep telling myself that i dont want it to be the truth.. BUT, somehow, i cant bluff myself anymore.. TRUTH is the TRUTH.. cant DENY it anymore and BLUFF myself.. know that only me and didi know about this.. and me being the ELDEST in the family.. it has given me lots of stress.. here am i going to graduate and facing s much stress over my attachment.. and didi's exams are round the corner.. i just hope it wont affect our grades..
i just CANT STOP my tears flowing.. i cried in the toilet.. and in front of the Gohonzon.. i really dont know what to do.. i have never have the thought that this kind of thing will happened to my family.. mom has suffered so many years.. i just dont know what will happened if she knows about this.. what will be the decision from her? and what will happened to this family who is already not happy? can i forgive Dad? i think my answer will be a straight clear-cut.. a NO!
i think i will never forget about this incident and forgive him.. CANNOT FORGIVE and CANNOT FORGET.. it really brokes my heart so DEEPLY that i have been crying for at least 3hours.. till my eyes are all red and swollen.. but i must thank Calvan for talking to me and Xueyun for coming down all the way to meet me at my place.. and not forgetting Stella who tried to talk to me.. thanks a lot peeps!! now.. i guess i have to chant really hard to talk things out with Dad before Mom finds out about this..
after Grandma's passing, mom hasnt been really active in gakkai activities.. and i think her life force level isnt that high.. i just hope if she will to know this incident, i hope she can accept it and make the correct decision.. Mom, dont worry.. didi and me will stand by you!
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