我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘...

我的梦狠狠碎 过却不会忘.....

他的轻狂留在某一节车厢
地下铁里的风比回忆还重
整座城市一直等着我
有一段感情还在漂泊
对他唯一遗憾是分手那天
我 奔腾的眼泪都停不下来
若那一刻重来我不哭
让他知道我可以很好

我爱他轰 轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏都不肯醒来
我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心深深伤过却不会忘
我和他不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂 最终的荒唐

如果还有遗憾又怎么样呢
伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗
曾经依靠彼此的肩膀
如今各自在人海流浪

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
逃不开爱越深越互相伤害
越深的依 赖越多的空白
该怎么去爱

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会 忘
曾为他相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏都不肯醒来

我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝 望
我的心深深伤过却不会忘
我和他不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂最终的荒唐
如果还有遗憾是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪都停 不下来
若那一刻重来我不哭
让他知道我可以很好

was very ILL in the morning.. had fever last night.. woke up, fever subsided but still having a BAD BAD HEADACHE and a TERRIBLE BACKACHE.. didn't have the appetite to eat at all.. but mom called me at about 4plus when she's coming home and got food for me.. i know mom will worried about me so even though i have no appetite, i still forced myself to eat..

was still pondering should i go for the meeting.. end up, i still went.. cause i have promised Pei Shan that i will meet her for dinner.. had a drink with her at BP Plaza's Wang Cafe.. then headed to Senja kaikan for meeting.. Sensei's video really enlightened me a lot!!:D "Life only makes sense when we live with a grateful mind" - this phrase is what i brought back with me after the meeting..

hands started trembling during the meeting.. really unwell.. didn't know what happened to me but i guess probably it was the bad weather that's why i am not well.. probably lack of sleep ba.. hais.. really don't want to fall sick now.. cause it's my holidays! i don't know what's wrong with me.. seems like got many things in my mind.. hais! i myself also don't know what is it..

i really want a get away! the lyrics which i copied on top is from the show "下一站幸福".. the boy in the show really SUPER CUTE! till didi who don't watched Taiwanese drama also watching this show=D the lyrics really describes my feelings.. well, my aim now is to work hard now for gakkai and my studies.. not going to think so much about love, about relationship.. i guess all these will come gradually.. let nature takes its course ba=D

DEVASTATION came and KNOCKED COURAGE down!

DEVASTATION came and KNOCKED COURAGE down!

i think the day before didn't sleep well.. that's why i am feeling SO SO TIRED.. a friend called me and told me what had happened to her.. She just broke off her boyfriend and got to know this guy.. he was really nice to her.. and gave her hope that she will be fine.. there's someone out there who would love her.. BUT, it came out to be a DREAM! the guy kissed her and then when she asked her so what's the reason behind for doing so.. the guy just told her it's a moments of trust.. nothing more than that..

hais.. i don't know if i should say this guy is an ASS? how can like that? trying to cheat my friend's feelings? now, she troubled not only because of her ex boyfriend but also with this guy doing this to her.. hais.. poor thing..

sometimes i just don't understand.. why must God give someone hope and courage and then within split seconds, then take it back? is it fair for someone who just longed for some hope? i really prayed hard she can walked out of this..

went to meet Joanna today=D just a small meet up but i really enjoyed it=] came home and now, i am feeling terrible.. having terrible headache! and I don't know.. PANADOL didn't help at all! yeah! i am going to sleep early tonight:D maybe i just lack some rest..

Maybe it's time for miracles.....Cuz I ain't giving up on love

Maybe it's time for miracles....Cuz I ain't giving up on love...

It's late at night and I can't sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can't breathe thinking of your smile
Every kiss I can't forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cause I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cause I ain't giving up on love
You know that 
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cause I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

I just want to be with you
Cuz living is so hard to do
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

The future I cannot forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see

Cuz I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cause I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

Baby can you feel it coming
You know I can hear it, hear it in your soul
Baby when you feel me feeling you
You know it's time...

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't, I ain't giving up on love

No I ain't giving up on us
I ain't giving up, no
Oh I ain't giving up on us

This song is by Adam Lambert - Time for Miracles=D from the movie "2012"..Went to meet a not really that 熟的 friend today.. Let's call him Mr "L".. he's kind of funny and nice guy.. talked with him on the phone from 2am to 4am this morning.. I feel kind of bad caused he has to wake up at 630am in the morning to work.. but also not completely my fault lahz.. is he call me de ma.. lolx! Really happy to know him as a friend.. Heard him sneezing so i told him, if really not well then report sick lohz.. LOLX

end up, he really went to camp then report sick.. don't know really sick or what.. still can ask me out for lunch.. i also nothing to do.. so went to meet him.. don't know where to go and the weather so unpredictable.. so went to his place.. we watched movies and had our lunch.. LOLX.. is gakkai friend, from the same religion that's why i dare to go his place.. if it's some people i know online, i won't even dare to go his place..

we watched "Final Destination 4" and "2012" together.. really had a GREAT day together=D hahaz! idiot him.. ANGRY with me then make me EMO! but he really got a way to make me laugh=] thanks friend! thanks for cheering me up! i hope you had a great day too=D left his place at 930pm.. then headed home... don't know if he really sincere to be friends with me.. cause after this meet up, he MIA le.. hais.. what ever it is.. I really thank him for cheering me up today! THANKS=D

我知道我的爱一直都会存在.........

我知道我的爱一直都会存在.....

那天我扬起帆
想看看未知的海
心里很多话想说说不出来
虽然我脸上看不出来
天空一样蔚蓝 却换了多少云彩
那时的 你让我幸福百分百
是否为我等待
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你泪停不下来
你知道我依赖多不想say goodbye
我 痛说不出来
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你快乐都停摆
某一天我期待和你笑的灿烂
回头看爱 都在
站在你的门外 我却幸福在徘徊
心里很多话想说说不出来
但我想你一定都明白
时间过的好快
想念却不曾更改
现在的你是否幸福百分 百
我应该怎么猜
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你泪停不下来
你知道我依赖多不想say goodbye
我痛说不 出来
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你快乐都停摆
某一天我期待和你笑的灿烂
回头看爱 都在
我知道我的爱一直都会存 在
没有你泪停不下来
你知道我依赖多不想say goodbye
我痛说不出来
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你快乐 都停摆
某一天我期待和你笑的灿烂
回头看爱 都在
爱一直存在

had my check up done yesterday.. everything is normal.. just that left side the nostril not healing as fast as that of on the right side.. and the breathing on right side has improved, but left side de remain unchanged.. but doctor says everything is fine.. just need some time.. went to visit 姨婆 also.. really SAD to see her like that.. ever since she discharged from the hospital after her episode of stroke, didn't have the time to go visit her.. really UPSET to hear that she's finding ways to end her life.. i really understand how she feels being immobile, and toileting and hygiene all needed others help..

I guess family's support is very important.. just like me.. if not because of friends, I wouldn't be able to be here to type this entry anymore.. I really must thank them.. especially to Ben.. and Stella and Chern Fern.. I am really GRATEFUL for what you people had done for me.. really thankful.. beside saying thank you, I really don't know what else can I say to repay my gratitude to you guys.. thanks!

went to meet Ying Lin today.. should say first time meeting her.. and we had dinner together and we watched Soka Youth Musical today! really NICE lohz.. I am really glad she invited me for the show.. saw many friends too!:D through this show, it really enlighten me a lot..

I really hope one day he will know that I really care about him and that he would work double hard for his future so as to make sacrificing me worthwhile..

＂你要加油！我会每天替你祈祷！祈求你会很健康！请你一定要为了你的梦想努力奋斗！这样牺牲我，牺牲我们的爱才会有价值，有意义！我会默默的支持你．这是我唯一能替你做的．＂

where did you go?

where did you go?

曾看着同星空 闲聊吹风 看日出多心动
曾每日缠一起 傻傻讲起 能爱到下世纪
怎麽你俘虏这个心 却抽身退隐 不再亲近
独自苦等 仍然空等 难藏泪印

看着 电话中短讯
听着 录音的口讯
昨天的你哪天再接近

Tell me where did u go?
心声都不可细诉
Oh tell me baby where did u hide?
辛苦都未被谅 解
Where did u go?
数数多久不碰到
我 在每夜 彻夜狂想
Where did u go?
而这夜月光中 再见影纵 再献花多感动
而似蜜甜的心 明明开心 为何又骤降温
怎 麽你一下子抱紧 却一下子转身 不再亲近
独自苦等 仍然空等 难藏泪印

看着 电话中短讯
听着 录音的口讯
昨天的 你哪天再接近

Tell me where did u go?
心声都不可细诉
Oh tell me baby where did u hide?
辛苦都未被谅 解
Where did u go?
数数多久不碰到
我 在每夜 彻夜狂想...

Where did u go? Where did u go?
怎会当这刻我需要你 你却没在我身边
Where did u go? Where did u go?
这秒钟很挂牵 你却不可感觉到
Where did u go?!

nice song by G.E.M.. he was the one who introduce this song to love.. i start to realize i really love listening to Cantonese songs.. this song really meaningful..

been feeling very tired these few days.. these 2 days appetite not good.. cant really eat.. like only eat few mouthful.. don't know why.. been very emotional.. hais.. but i am trying.. trying to walk out of the "blue" moments.. i think mom can sense that i aren't really happy these few days.. she's trying her best not to leave me at home alone.. cause i will 胡思乱想... hais..

i really need a getaway badly.. need to restructure my plans and straighten my thinking..cause i know i cant dwell in this forever..

你离开我连一句话都不说....

你离开我连一句话都不说.........

爱的故事有很多
你一定听过
她们说
最美的爱情像湖泊
美的忍不住停留
而任性的风
吹过了
却飘下一片片叶落
放开手往北方走
留下伤心的树独自忍受
你离开我连一句话都不说
只默默看着今晚天空星光闪烁
看今夜的流星
划过了天际
笑我的心
我无法再冷静
请你要倾听
你是我的唯一
我不愿去相信
我们之间
隔着海洋的距离
我的爱
已融化在空气里

this is a song by 范逸臣 - "Love story"...

sometimes I really find it hard to find someone to talk to me.. probably it's time for me for stand alone.. to keep things to myself.. I know everyone has their own things to do.. so i don't blame anyone.. after all, friends can't always be there for me too.. They got their own problems, own things to settle too..

I can only depend on myself.. to walk out of this... to go through this.. All of you have already done a lot for me.. especially Ben.. I'm really grateful that you have tried your best to help me.. Like what I told you on Saturday... negativity is all in one's mind.. Only I, myself can save myself out of these mess I am in.. be it what others do, or advise.. whether I can do it or not, only depends if I want it..

I almost achieved it the other time.. I will try again.. to walk out of it.. no matter how hard, I will try.. no matter how tough, I know I must go through this.. I really COURAGE.. I really need.....

时间把你我变成了回 忆，还是把我变成了你的回忆？

时间把你我变成了回 忆，还是把我变成了你的回忆？

I don't know what can I say now or do now.. cause no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do.. everything is not going to be the same anymore.. Maybe I should be GRATEFUL, at least you bother to crack your brain and think of lies to make up.. probably you still bother how I will feel.. probably you still don't wish to see me get hurt.. that's why you have chosen not to tell me the truth... BUT..... if you know me well enough, you would know I would want to know the truth.. How am i going to face it is my CHOICE.. you shouldn't be the one making decision for me..

You might not want to get hurt that's why you have chosen to lie.. BUT now, do you think I would feel any better when I know you lied? what I think is it what you are thinking? or am I just being sensitive? Can I still believe that you didn't make up lies? Can i still believe what you say? Can I?? I'm SORRY BEN.. SORRY that i have let you worried the whole night.. I didn't meant to break down.. I am trying my best to control my emotions, my thinking, my tears... BUT, it's really getting out of control and beyond my control...

I really don't wish to see my friends, my parents worried about me.. I am trying my best.. I thought I have did it already.. BUT, now... I am back to square again.. I don't wish to see my friends hating him.. cause till now... i still really LOVE him.. he did hurt me a lot, be it is now or during our relationship.. BUT, he had given me lots of joy, lots of happy moments, lots of memories... because of him, I have become stronger.. because of him, I have tried to do things i have never tried.. because of him, I got many dreams fulfilled..

I really feel it's a PITY.. that we didn't make it till the end.. we won't get married and have babies like what we've been saying.. that Hong Kong trip is the FIRST time we are traveling together and the ONLY time we would fly again.. I am grateful that we have made it for the trip, if not, it would be like what you said.. we wont have chance to travel together anymore... this relationship would be a REGRET in my life.. no matter what I do, there will be a scar FOREVER in my life.. even if I have let go of this, I think I wont have the courage to love again.. cause I really don't wish to get hurt anymore..

I always thought that if I have put in my heart and soul to love someone, he will do the same.. if I don't do anything to hurt him, he won't hurt me too.. BUT.. what had happened proved my belief WRONG.. teach me how to carry on please.. till now, I am still trying my best to help you in what ever ways I can.. why am I still doing so? cause I want you to know, i really care.. Be it as a boyfriend or as a friend.. you really STANDS an IMPORTANT place in my heart.. and because of you, I cant place anyone in anymore.. do you know how terrible i am going through now? it's WORSE than DYING..............

sooner or later, you would remove the link of the photos of yours with me right? maybe you're right.. memories are all in my mind, in my heart.. i don't need all these material stuffs just to remember what had happened.. BUT what you did would made me think that you don't cherish them at all.. do you know that? I won't blame you.. I cherish those moments doesn't mean you have to do so too.. I cant force you.. i really feel very terrible now.. i am lost.......

i dont have the right to know anymore...

i don't have the right to know anymore....

maybe Joanna is wrong.. you wont regret.. you WOULD BE GLAD that you made this decision.. if not, you wouldn't have the freedom you want.. you wouldn't be able to travel on your own with your friends.. who is the one controlling who? i think it's you who controlled my freedom.. BUT.. you probably think that i am the one controlling you..

telling me that you are at home everyday to save money are ALL LIES.. telling me that we should be friends because you are returning to HK are ALL LIES.. telling me that you cant stand the feeling that i am not going to be around when you are going back are ALL LIES.. telling me you don't want to waste my time are ALL LIES...

almost 2 months back, i believe it all to make myself feel better, to get over it faster.. BUT now.. you have proved it one by one that these are ALL LIES, ALL EXCUSES!!! you are living HAPPILY everyday WITHOUT ME.. you saved up just for this one week trip.. you aren't returning to HK at all!

how do you want me to believe you when you are proving to me that what you said before are ALL LIES? how can you bare to hurt me? if you have chosen to lie to me in the first time, hoping that you don't wish to hurt me by telling me the truth... why prove it now that you lied? why do you want to stay here? can you please leave this land and let me have a peace of mind?

you didn't even bother how i feel since the day you left me.. even when it's cny, you didn't bother to wish me.. even when i am going for surgery, you didn't ask how am i.. BUT when others asked if you showed me concern, i am even silly enough to make up stories for you.. just to let others feel that you're not a bad guy after all.. why am i being so stupid?

why do i have to bother how you feel when you don't bother about mine? do you know i still cry everyday? do you know i still think of you even little things like having a meal? do you know i am still trying to help you in whatever ways i can? even things like looking your job, i tried my best to help you too.. BUT have you been truthfully grateful? did you said 'thank you' for the sake of saying it or did it really come from your heart?

and you are down, i even comforted you.. did you even appreciate it? or try to act as though you're okie for the sake of getting away from me? you give me up because of your future, but you aren't putting in efforts to tell me and convinced me that you are working hard for your dreams.. how to make giving me up worthy then? maybe you just don't love me that deep as you think.. it's ALL LIES... LIES to make yourself look better, LIES to make yourself feel good..

after all, did all those LIES make you feel good, ONLY YOU knows it.. don't wait till the day I'm gone, then you start to regret... it's TOO LATE then...

how to let you know that i need you?

how to let you know that i need you?

LAST DAY of attachment today!!:) heez! VERY VERY TIRED but VERY VERY HAPPY TODAY!:) did very well for exams too!:) unexpectedly well!=] and did very well for my CA too!

luckily and thank god that my results are not affected because of the incident... hais.. i did well to prove that i can do it.. to want my friends to hate him lesser.. i dont want my friends to feel that he's the one who cause me to do so badly..

although these period has been really tough for me, i still persevere on.. and i have proven that i can do it!! dont know why today.. hasnt been feeling that well.. got gastric pain in the morning.. that after that got headache.. after a nap it didnt help much either.. hais! how am i going to face tomorrow's surgery? i know mom kind of worried that i going for operation.. BUT, i dont know why.. i dont worry at all.. probably because this year, i have gone through even more terrible thing than an operation..

had a quarrel with mom few days back and had some dispute with one of my attachment friend.. end up, i'm so upset and depressed.. and thanks for comforting me when i told you.. and thanks for telling that if i got anything i can tell you.. and that if i need you, can let you know.. BUT how to tell you? what rights do i have to tell you that i need you? in what position can i stand?

i really MISS YOU............

你做了选择, 对的, 错的.... 我只能承认, 心是痛的....

你做了选择, 对的, 错的.... 我只能承认, 心是痛的....

你做了选择对的错的
我只能承认心是痛的
怀疑你舍得我被伤的那么深
就放声哭了何必再强忍

我没有选择我不再完整
原来最后的吻如此冰冷
你只能默认我要被割舍
眼看着你走了

如果这不是结局如果我还爱你
如果我愿相信你就是唯一
如果你听到这里如果你依然放弃
那这就是爱情我难以抗拒
如果这就是爱情本来就不公平
你不需要讲理我可以离去
如果我成全了你如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清是我证明我爱你

灰色的天空无法猜透
多余的眼泪无法挽留
什么都牵动感觉真的好脆弱
被呵护的人原来不是我

我不要你走我不想放手
却又不能够奢求同情的温柔
你可以自由我愿意承受
把昨天留给我

last time before i sleep.. was feeling so TERRIBLE.. hide in my room and cried.. and Mom saw it.. hais.. she was so worried.. Dad too.. I'm sorry.. it's my fault for letting those people who love and care about me worried about me.. I'm sorry.. really SORRY..... i really LOVE him.. really don't know how to let go...

was on morning shift today.. VERY VERY BUSY.. till i also very GIDDY and got a terrible HEADACHE.. hais.. one person cover 3 cubicle. patient go for angio.. patient refused diet.. change diaper.. drain urine..3 patients on hourly parameters.. collect urine.. CIC.. wah.. almost fainted in the ward lohz..

no appetite to eat today.. breakfast didnt finish.. lunch also never finish.. even one cup of drink also cant finish.. what happened to me? now watch show.. the actor's name is 卓文! what the hell? even watch show also will hear his name!! somemore is not only same 发音.. also same word - 卓文 exactly.. hais! how to forget? like that how to forget? Dad spoke to 秀娟姐 today.. sorry to make you worried..

miss you badly:(

容忍的人其实并不笨, 只是宁可对自己残忍................

容忍的人其实并不笨, 只是宁可对自己残忍.....


那一扇车门
关出我们的裂痕
一声就震断了回头的路程
爱无法均分
以后就留给你们
也许用伤害结束爱才更动人
容忍的人其实并不笨
只是宁可对自己残忍
既然爱不能恒温
祝福就给你下一个人
你是好人也是个坏人
对我坦承只为了朝他狂奔
不能放任所以放了
这点痛我还能忍
我是好人也是个坏人
分得够狠你才有借口转身
宁愿爱一点不剩
也不忍看恋人爱成路人

容忍的人其实并不笨
只是宁可对自己残忍
既然爱不能恒温
祝福就给你下一个人
你是好人也是个坏人
对我坦承只为了朝他狂奔
不能放任所以放了
这点痛我还能忍
我是好人也是个坏人
分得够狠你才有借口转身
宁愿爱一点不剩
也不忍看恋人爱成路人
三个人从不对等
总有个人必须牺牲
那永恒就等他带你完成
你是好人也是个坏人
对我坦承只为了朝他狂奔
不能放任所以放了
这点痛我还能忍
我是好人也是个坏人
分得够狠你才有借口转身
宁愿爱一点不剩
也不忍看恋人爱成路人
宁愿爱一点不剩
也不忍看恋人爱成路人

many days never update liao.. yesterday went out with 秀娟姐，阿文姐夫，阿强，天明，周亭，Sim, Michelle and her husband... went to Bugis to meet jie first then went to shop around and jie got herself a new mobile phone.. then went to have KFC for dinner.. and went to Party World KTV! really HAD a great 4 hours singing! snatching remote controls so as not to allow people to cut songs! hahaz! 4 hours seriously not enough.. i dont mind sing whole night! ha!!

then we went supper at Mustafa and went to shop at mustafa!:D after which, cab home with Sim and 天明.. reached home at 4am this morning, shower and went to sleep.. sleep till 11am then dont know why cant sleep liao.. hais.. must be weather too warm and i am so worried about the meet up with you..

received his text at almost 2pm asking me if i can meet him at 43opm.. yesterday when i received his sms, my mood totally changed.. Lee Cheuk Man, you really a pro.. one sms from you can change my happy mood to a terrible one.. when i was on the way to bugis, my tears just cant stop flowing.. one month plus liao.. my mood still fluctuating around you.. how good, how bad also because of you...

met up with him just now at Yishun mrt.. saw he already removed the ring liao.. and saw a new chain he got.. is a pair de ma? someone owned another same one with you ma? did you see me still wearing the ring you gave me? what's the use of wearing it when you are around not going to be around? thanks for trying to start a conversation with me... i am really grateful.. to be frank, i dont hate you at all..

and that you told me you're not in good health recently, i really worried.. please.. dont let me worry for you okie? i guess this short meet up to return each others things would most probably be the LAST time i see you ba.. my heart really aches.. aches badly..........take care my love...............

我只是难过不能陪你一起老...............

我只是难过不能陪你一起老..........

当爱不能同情当爱不能哭
留在心里那一点点的恨还真苦
没有人能作主没有人服输
爱情的蛮横和残酷无处申诉
谁不贪图那多一点的在乎
想要爱又吃不了苦就别欺负
虽然结束也不要不甘不服
曾有过就要满足要真的祝福
我只是难过不能陪你一起老
再也没有机会看到你的笑
记住你的好却让痛苦更翻搅
回忆在心里绕啊绕我多么的想逃
我只是难过不能陪你一起老
每天都能够看到你的笑
少了个依靠伤心没人可以抱
眼泪擦都擦不掉你知道

当爱不能同情当爱不能哭
留在心里那一点点的恨还真苦
没有人能作主没有人服输
爱情的蛮横和残酷无处申诉
谁不贪图那多一点的在乎
想要爱又吃不了苦就别欺负
虽然结束也不要不甘不服
曾有过就要满足要真的祝福
我只是难过不能陪你一起老
再也没有机会看到你的笑
记住你的好却让痛苦更翻搅
回忆在心里绕啊绕我多么的想逃
我只是难过不能陪你一起老
每天都能够看到你的笑
少了个依靠伤心没人可以抱
眼泪擦都擦不掉你知道
希望你知道我是真心的祝福
只要你过得好快乐就好

starting from 1st march.. started on my 2nd attachment.. this time is back to a ward with my specialty... cardiovascular and respiratory medicine.. this ward is a B1 ward with only like 4-5 patients per cubicle and got air-con somemore.. can say quite good.. Sisters also quite nice, staffs also okie.. BUT, i still my own ward:(

still misses you badly.. although i can temporary forgotten you during work, when i am alone.. cant help to dwell in it.. i really regret those days when i always forgotten you when i am at work.. everytime also ask me text you after i finished having my makan at work.. BUT, i always rush to work till i forget.. hais.. and i always remember how angry you are.. sorry ar.. think back.. i really feel there are many times i forgotten about you...

have you forgotten me? finished your exams le ma? i really hope to hear from you.. miss you:(

最熟悉的陌生人....

最熟悉的陌生人

还记得吗窗外那被月光染亮的海洋
你还记得吗是爱让彼此把夜点亮
为何后来我们用沉默取代依赖
曾经朗朗星空渐渐阴霾

心碎离开转身回到最初荒凉里等待
为了寂寞是否找个人填心中空白
我们变成了世上最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折各自悲哀

只怪我们爱得那么汹涌爱得那么
于是梦醒了搁浅了沉默了挥手了
却回不了神
如果当初在交会时能忍住了激动的灵魂
也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里沉沦

yesterday.. i was really devastated.. till i cant even sleep at all.. really cried myself to sleep.. and wake up.. didnt know you would dump that too.. hais.. i cant blame you.. when you wanted to give me.. i didnt take it.. when i want it, it's too late liao.. you're right.. i was the one who didnt remember that thing first.. that was because, if i want to hear it, you still can tell me.. but now.. you would probably say "HATE JESSICA".. no longer "LOVE JESSICA" ba..

you told me is the timing not right.. are you trying to tell me you just dump it not long ago? TRUE.. you dont love me anymore, so why need that word "LOVE JESSICA"? BUT.. thanks.. thanks for still being concern why am i still awake at 3am.. and thanks for telling me i should go to the Doctor to get this insomnia problem solved.. but i know it well, what is the cause of the insomnia....

i really hope you are living very well now.. it's okie that i am suffering.. it's okie.. from the beginning till now, i always bear the pain.. so it's okie if this time i am still the one bearing the pain.. it's okie.... 请你要开心！请你要幸福！我爱你，李卓文！

my love my fate you will fade away....

my love my fate you will fade away....

my love my fate you will fade away
以后隔天与地
i love i hate i'll miss you always
我永远亦爱你
太美好的东西会走
还未爱够了你怎放手
从来不肯假想
失去你那感受
我这对脚怎黱走
从来并未练习过温柔
迟学你或已经没法接受
然后你会说我跟她分左与右
谁希罕造种手拖手
my love my fate you will fade away
再没有恋爱味
i love i hate i'll always be afraid
永远也害怕你
我要首先讲声我走
还是爱到你说请你走
如果讲一声
请照顾我感受
我最怕你讲出口
从来并未练习过温柔
迟学你或已经没法接受
然后你会说我跟她分左与右
谁希罕造种手拖手
下次开心已要靠自己
下次顶多饰演好知己
其实再次见你真需要
靠演技也要你我好心地
my love my fate you will fade away
过去当做看戏
世界当没有你
ooh......

this is a Cantonese song he put in my ipod touch.. title of the song is: "my love my fate"... it explains my feelings.. hais.. "我要首先讲声我走, 还是爱到你说请你走".. that was what i thought.. i always wanted to be one who say good bye cause i scared you dumped me.. end up i still love you till you asked me to leave.. even when i know you are showing me cold shoulder and our relationship might be gone, i still tolerated.. i still tried to please you.. try to make you happy and don't disturb you unnecessarily..

BUT.. have you thought of how would i feel? actually i feel VERY TERRIBLE, BUT i kept quiet.. cause i didn't want to lose you.. end up, you gave up way before i did.. even till that moment that you said things clear to me, i am still holding on.. till now.. one month liao, i am still holding on.. do you know? i really hope you will know.. i know "love a person necessarily need to be with that person, he happy can le"... BUT, i cant bear to let you go.. i cant ar!!

please come back.... please....................... looking at my wishlist on my blog, it reminded me of you said.. you said you will work hard and fulfill them with me one by one.. have you forgotten? Dad asked about you today.. asked me if you called me.. hais.. how heartless ar.. cause you didn't.. not even a sms.. I'm always the one who sms you.. 10days liao.. 10days didn't sms you le.. i really feel like sms-ing you, BUT, i keep controlling myself.. i hoping the day you will sms me on your own accord.. i am hoping... do you know?

to someone: thanks for treating me so nice.. i can only let you be sad now.. i dont wish to hide.. i still have feelings for him.. even though how terrible others might feel about him, i still have feelings for him.. but i really want to thank you for being so good to me.. thank you.

心要让你听见爱要让你看见....

心要让你听见爱要让你看见....

缘份让你我擦肩
没开口却有感觉
爱情最害怕犹豫
再回头只能怀念
寂寞因你而强烈
熬不过漫长午夜
天涯挡不住思念
渴望着他年他日再相见
到那天绝不再让你走过我身边
沉默的习惯愿为你改变

心要让你听见爱要让你看见
不怕承认对你有多眷恋
想你的时候
盼你能收到我的真情留言

心要让你听见爱要让你看见
问你是否愿分享每一天
把我的遗憾变成感谢

is a old song - title is: 心要让你听见.. doesnt matter whether is a old or new song.. it's the lyrics that matters.. " 不怕承认对你有多眷恋".. something i probably dare not admit.. i dare not let you know.. i dare not tell you.. cause i know you wont response to you... you will show me cold shoulder.. and i am scared you will hate me.. BUT.. from how much you understand me.. you should know i cant give up, i cant let go.. so why are you acting and giving me the impression that you dont bother? do you think that i am that STRONG to overcome all these?

was home today then late afternoon.. Went to meet 秀娟姐，阿文姐夫，天明 and Yan wei for steamboat dinner at Crystal Jade Hong Kong Cafe.. then Chorng Jan kor and Ah fang came to meet us at Iluma and 745pm for movie.. went to watch <花田喜事>, (All's Well End's Well 2010).. a NICE show i can say.. LAUGHED all the way.. super FUNNY.. 天明 laughed all the way till when he came out of the cinema, he keep coughing.. then went to have a drink, so sad, 天明 left after the movie.. hais.. so difficult to meet them then he left immediately after the movie.. i'm really HAPPY to see them after so long never see them:D

hais.. although i am out with friends, i cant help it to think of you.. everywhere also memories of you.. even my room.. every night when i turned in bed, i will remember you sleeping at the mattress below my bed... i cant help to think of you.. i would always imagine that i am back with you so as to make myself fall asleep.. sound very stupid and foolish right? but i really cant help it.. have been having terrible headache recently.. pain till i feel that the back of my head also aching.. hais. and the worse thing is - PANADOL didn't HELP AT ALL!

teach me how to get over it.. teach me...... already coming to one month liao, i am still like that... why so difficult to get over? i didn't know i love you so much till problems between us started to surface.... and do you know? do you that my heart is still beating strong because of you? can you hear it?

我真得很爱很爱你，李卓文！

怎么了?你累了? 说好的幸福呢?

怎么了?你累了? 说好的幸福呢?

你的回话凌乱着
在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽
甜蜜散落了

情绪莫名的拉扯
我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌
假装没事了

时间过了走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
离开时的不快乐
你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这
真的痛了

怎么了你累了
说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了
爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着
你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻
我都还记得

你不等了
说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了
放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢

你的回话凌乱着
在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽
甜蜜散落了

情绪莫名的拉扯
我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌
假装没事了

时间过了走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
离开时的不快乐
你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这
真的痛了

怎么了你累了
说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了
爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着
你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻
我都还记得

你不等了
说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了
放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢

怎么了你累了
说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了
爱淡了梦远了
我都还记得

你不等了
说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了
放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢

i have been thinking a lot for the past one month.. why did you give me up? i remember that day when you initiated the breakup, you mentioned about you having no jobs in Singapore and said even that even if you go back to HK, how low you salary would be... is it because you afraid i will suffer with you that's why you chosen to leave me and not let me suffer with you?

is it so? i dont mind suffering with you provided you are here.. i dont mind that we are separated in terms of distance.. but at least i know our hearts are linking together.. do you understand how i feel? do you? are our hearts still linking together? do you still love me? for the past 3weeks before we broke up, i have been showing me cold shoulders.. at that point, i really felt that our relationship will be gone.. and then you started to treat me nicer.. so i thought everything will be fine if i persevere on.. BUT guess i was wrong.. cause i am the only one working hard.. and you're the one who gave up long ago..

maybe chern fern was right.. "if you gave me up first, that shows you arent someone worth to accept ever again..." and maybe she right.. "if someone doesnt treasure me enough to want to keep the relationship, there's no point waiting for the person and even if the person returns next time, it is no longer important, it's all the past..." should i start believing and telling myself this way?

i want to... BUT i really cant bear to let you go.. i really cant....................

怎么会狠心离开我?? 怎么会狠心伤害我??

怎么会狠心离开我?? 怎么会狠心伤害我??

每个孤独的晚上
就像电影的散场
身边的人都离开
不知何时有泪光
每个相爱的地方
都像回忆织的网
多少痛苦关在胸膛
谁能看出我的伤

* * * music * * *
当我松开你的手
眼泪离开眼眶后
喝下沉溺的烈酒
醒来最终要接受
当爱散落的时候
何谓天长和地久
痛苦了一生的时间
是否明白 是否足够

怎么会狠心离开我
这一切到底为什么
分不清一切都是谁的错
付出换来这种结果
怎么会狠心伤害我
可怜我爱你那么多
失去了快乐 幻灭了承诺
守住两个人的日子
一个人过

finished my last AAP2 paper today.. totally screwed up.. CMBIO paper was in the afternoon, and AAP2 paper is in the morning.. to be frank, not enough time to study.. paper wasn't that tough to be frank.. just that really have no time to revise... i think my 'A' for this paper gone to drain liao.. BUT... i feel i have tried my best.. in such a situation, i still can try my best to focus, i think i already considered strong ba?

went to try relaxing myself after the paper.. went to sing k with Jo, Sharon, Puvaneas and Chun Haw.. everything was fine till i was singing the song i listed on top... title of song is - 怎么会狠心伤害我.. i really cried.. cause it really speaks up what i feel... especially these part - “怎么会狠心离开我? 这一切到底为什么? 分不清一切都是谁的错, 付出换来这种结果... 怎么会狠心伤害我? 可怜我爱你那么多, 失去了快乐, 幻灭了承诺... 守住两个人的日子, 一个人过..........”

hais.. i seriously don't know why is it so tough this time round for me to get on my feet again.. and i know i am saddening people who really cares for me... BUT, i really cant help it. now that my exams are over, and attachment is coming, which means he is leaving for home soon.... hais.. i really miss him.. miss him a lot.. today is the 6th day i didn't text him liao.. does he misses me? already 27days since we are separated.. almost coming to one month liao.. and it seems like you have been adapting well.. and have you even bother how i am enduring all these?

do you really care? or is it you are worried that if you care, you wont be able to let go of me? i rather that you don't let go... i never want you to go... maybe... "很多事一开始可能本来就没有拥有过. 只是梦醒而已.." probably feeling this way would make me feel better.. if i keep thinking i once have it before, it will really makes me feel terrible..

went to PP youth gathering at Chevron after the k-session.. had quite a lot of fun.. know some new friends.. hope to have chance to meet them again... all those fun, will just disappear when it's over.. and i am back to square again....

我不是你想像那麽勇敢.......

我不是你想像那麽勇敢...........

有时候太坚强笑容却填不满眼眶
越是想要隐藏歌声就唱的更响亮
直到入到心底最深处 oh~
你不要追问我还缺了些什麽

每个人都有梦幸福总站在最远方
心中越是渴望越是不敢伸手拥抱
谁的心是我最后一站 oh~
我强问我自己现在还没有个答案

我不是你想像那麽勇敢

多想让你保护能流泪一场

让我放下武装像个孩子一样

单纯的把爱情放在你心上

每个人都有梦幸福总站在最远方
心中越是渴望越是不敢伸手拥抱
谁的心是我最后一站 oh~
我强问我自己现在还没有个答案

我不是你想像总是扮演坚强
多想让你知道我也要个伴
放下讨厌武装像个孩子一样
单纯的把爱情放在你心上
我不是你想像的那麽勇敢

a nice song by 梁文音.. CMBIO paper today just over.. don't know if can do well not.. but i know... i have tried my best liao le.. so ya.. got to work hard for AAP paper tomorrow.. then going to relax! heez! ya, i am still ANGRY over that incident.. do you know that you shouldn't be blaming whoever the person who told us the incident but blame yourself for the childish actions? go REFLECT after exams are over ba.. that's all i want to say...

still misses you as usual... friends around me have been trying their best to divert my attention.. like Ben and Stella.. and thanks to Joanna.. always spend time with me.. like studying and so.. so that i can at least stay focus when i am outside.. i really dont wish to disappoint those who are concern about me.. but for now.. i can only stay in this situation.. just let me dwell into this ba.. at least now, i am still trying to motivate myself to carry on by thinking about him.. he's my hope, my only hope..

i really wish that he can know that i am still waiting.. i am still waiting for him to come back to me.. but yet, he don't know this blog of mine exists.. cause i changed my blog link liao.. i want him back yet i don't want him to worry about me but concentrate on working for his future.. how confusing it is.. hais.. why have i done wrong that the situation suddenly changes? is your love for me that little? or you think that i am not worth your love?

Dad mentioned you today again.. it's like still a daily routine that your name will never fail to be mentioned everyday.. my parents can still even remember your FIN no.. how good their memories are.. and Dad's bad at remembering names especially Chinese names.. but he still pronounce your name correctly.. he said he still consistently thought of you.. and said he dont know why but feel that one day we will get back together.. really ma? i am waiting....

even my parents are still remembering you.. do you still remember how well they treated you? sometimes they even blamed themselves and feels that they said something wrong to you that's why you become like that... they are reflecting... so are you? are you reflecting that you have made a wrong decision? or will you think that this is the best decision and for your entire life, you will not regret? i know that you have been regretting that you didnt cherish the girl you really like when you were in secondary school.. so if you really love me, why let this be your 2nd regret? or maybe i just think too highly of myself that you actually love me a lot? do you know i really loves you?

to a good friend: thanks for letting me know you care about me.. but please dont treat me so nice, cause i only have HIM in mind.. my heart has no more space to hold another person. all i can say is: i'm sorry and thanks for being so good to me..

做不成你的情人我仍感激.... 因为很爱很爱你....

做不成你的情人我仍感激.... 因为很爱很爱你....

想为你做件事
让你更快乐的事
好在你的心中
埋下我的名字
求时间趁著你
不注意的时候
悄悄地把这种子
酿成果实
我想她的确是
更适合你的女子
我太不够温柔
优雅成熟懂事
如果我退回到
好朋友的位置
你也就不再需要
为难成这样子
很爱很爱你所以愿意
舍得让你往更多幸福的地方飞去
很爱很爱你只有让你拥有爱情
我才安心
(music)
看著她走向你那幅画面多美丽
如果我会哭泣也是因为欢喜
地球上两个人
能相遇不容易
做不成你的情人我仍感激
很爱很爱你所以愿意
不牵绊你飞向幸福的地方去
很爱很爱你只有让你
拥有爱情我才安心
(music)
很爱很爱你所以愿意
不牵绊你飞向幸福的地方去
很爱很爱你只有让你
拥有爱情我才安心
很爱很爱你所以愿意
不牵绊你飞向幸福的地方去
很爱很爱你只有让你
拥有爱情我才安心

studied till almost 12 midnight yesterday and had a bad flu.. at first, wanted to come home and sleep after my paper, but don't know... cant sleep.. so decided to start studying for CMBIO.. and went to sleep at about 12 after popping in a flu tablet.. ya, that flu tablet makes me so drowsy and sleep till this morning.. thanks to the flu tablet, i can fall asleep peacefully..

and this morning, i can barely open my eyes.. still drowsy and my back is aching, stomach also aching.. got up at 10am and went to wash up and went to Changi airport to study with Joanna and Chun Haw.. really had fun laughing because of Chun Haw's stupid actions..

and thanks to someone who cut up my photos, my blood pressure risen till i had a bad headache just now! thanks hor.. thanks for cutting my photos when i am still ALIVE huh.. i didn't know i was DEAD that's why someone cut up my photos! ARGH! be prepare to bear the consequence for cutting my photos! DISGUSTING!

misses him badly as usual.. i really have no courage to face you.. even seeing on msn, i just can stare at the msn screen and see your status.. i dare not start a conversation with you at all.. why? hais.. mom made me cried badly yesterday because of you... everyone in the family thought i am strong.. actually, to be frank, i am not.. i just don't want anyone in the family to worry about me.. i am seriously feeling terrible although it's been almost one month that you left me.. i still cant accept the fact that you have walked out of my life..

and going to changi airport awaken my memories when i traveled to HK with you.. and the photos you lose, you make me lost my last bit of memories with you.. like what i told Ben when he lost his photos in his iphone.. he can create new memories for the photos he lost, BUT... i have no more chance to create anymore memories with you... NO MORE...

the ONLY HOPE i had have been DEPRIVED... what else am i left with? seriously NOTHING left.. hais.. was looking through the past entries of my blog when we first got close.. do you still remember? do you still remember how we struggled through the 7weeks when you were away in China?

do you still remember when you are not here and worried about me getting home late? do you still remember you came all the way just to see me for less than 1hour? do you still remember how she bu de you are when you send me home? do you still remember what i have done for you? do you still remember how we spend our days for the past 1 year?

how can you give up so easily? how can you just let go? how can you just walked out of my life? don't you remember how to try to rush into my life? don't you remember what you did for us to go so far? have you forgotten all these? HOW CAN YOU?! am i really that bad? i don't worth you enduring your days when you go back to HK? why cant you have some faith in yourself? even if you don't have faith in yourself, cant you just simply believe that i can? if i can do it, why cant you? WHY!

你最近还好吗??

你最近还好吗??

Pharmaco paper today was okie.. but i know i lost some marks in my careless eyes.. hais.. but i know definitely wont fail lahz.. still got 2 more tougher paper to come.. CMBIO and AAP2.. hais. cannot imagine how i am going to chiong.. CMBIO is on wed afternoon, and then AAP2 is on thurs morning! need to let me suffer until like that mahz? i seriously suffer a lot these 2 months liao..

even seeleng jie say i look pale and lethargic.. i really don't know what have i been doing for these whole term.. i was bounded with many other problems.. and now i am suffering for what i have done, while in the midst of overcoming my problems.. 2010, i seriously see no rainbow in front of this year ahead of me.. only 2 months passed, i am like that liao, still got 10more months to go.....

挑一张耶诞卡写上满满祝福的话
地址写的是心底你能不能收到它
天有点冷风有点大城市宁静而喧哗
这一个冬天我得一个人走回家
问自己习惯了吗
没有你每到夜褃回声变得好大
有没有什麽好方法让寂寞更听话
你最近还好吗
是不是也在思念褃挣扎
你说会记得我还记得吗
你最近还好吗
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快乐出发

有再多的牵挂都已没有权利表达
旧情人给的问候比陌生人还尴尬
昨天远了明天还长回忆模糊但巨大
这样的深夜眼泪要怎样不流下

问自己习惯了吗
没有你每到夜褃回声变得好大
有没有什麽好方法让寂寞更听话
你最近还好吗
是不是也在思念褃挣扎
你说会记得我还记得吗
你最近还好吗
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快乐出发
你最近还好吗
是不是也在思念褃挣扎
你说会记得我还记得吗
你最近还好吗
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快乐出发

this song really speaks my thoughts.. can someone tell me why when someone is down, every song to her is meaningful and emotional? sometimes, by listening to the songs in the ipod touch you gave me, my tears just flow.. i have overcome the urge of wanting to sms you.. it's been few days since i last text you.. but i still cant control my tears from flowing, everyday, without fail, my tears will drop.. especially when i am alone.. either i am traveling or when getting ready to go to bed..

"有再多的牵挂都已没有权利表达" - it really sound like applying it to me.. so what if i still miss you? what rights do i have now to express it? know the reason why i am telling myself not to sms you? it is not because i don't miss you, but i don't know what rights do i have to miss you.. i rather suffer quietly than make you hate me because of my actions..

why did all these happened? why have i let all these happened? everyone envied how sweet we are when we were together.. why did all these happened? WHY!? letting you go wasn't my choice.. i just grant your wish, so who can grant mine?

i still miss you...