[ accepting the hardest fact of life and preparing for the worse ]

accepting the hardest fact of life and preparing for the worse

today is saturday.. slept till about 10.30am.. was awaken by samuel's sms.. he asked if i want to go for breakfast together.. BUT.. i'm SERIOUSLY tired and not in the mood.. hais! woke up and did my prayers.. sat down at the sofa and FORCED myself to take the breakfast.. my gastric is giving me problem.. i got no choice but to force myself to eat.. at the same time.. was watching "放羊的星星".. the show is getting more and more TOUCHING.. and REALLY FUNNY.. thanks to that.. i managed to LAUGH out LOUD.. it's relieving my HIDDEN STRESS..

intended to do my homework.. BUT, i just have NO MOOD to do it.. at around 12.30 almost 1.. i left home.. making my way to the hospital.. meeting mom at the hospital directly.. grandma is lying in the surgical icu.. we went in and see her.. and she was holding on so tight to us.. holding my mom's bag.. and trying to tell us something.. but.. she cant talk.. so, i asked her if she wants water, and she told us she wants by nodding her head.. but we cant give her.. her kidneys isnt producing urine.. if we were to give and the water goes into her lungs, she will suffer pnuemonia.. and who knows next.. we are asked to go out.. cause they are starting the dialysis for her.. oh GOSH! something i hope it wont HAPPEN had HAPPENED.. just hoping that it will be a TEMPORARY measure.. NOT a LONG TERM one..

after she started her dialysis.. we went down to have a coffee.. and i took my lunch.. almost FAINTING liao.. and my gastric isnt listening to me.. after which, we went in to see her again.. she's STRUGGLING in PAIN.. though i has never go on dialysis before.. BUT.. i know how it feels poking an external tube into your body.. it's WORSE than DYING.. when i call her, i saw her tears flowing out.. i quickly dragged my aunt out of the room.. the next moment.. my tears started to flow.. i just cant take it.. i see her struggling and frowning her eye brow.. as though she's telling me she's in pain.. and yet, i cant do anything to stop her from suffering..

then.. the doctor came to spoke to us.. telling us her condition.. she isnt out of danger yet.. and her kidneys are failing.. and she suffered a heart attack after the operation.. doctor also mentioned that they managed to stop the bleeding in the aorta.. but he dare not say that the operation is successful.. all the doctor said is he wants us to prepare for the worst.. and it really depends on her willpower to tide through this.. hais! after when the doctor spoke to us, we took turns to go in and see her again.. ah ma is dropping tears again.... we dare not stay long.. first time.. first time i see my uncles and aunts crying.. mom cried too..

i dont know what should i tell them to make them feel better.. BUT.. all we can is to pray for her to have the strong willpower and TRUST the doctors and nurses in the hospital.. they are the ones who can save her.. left home at 7plus.. really tired.. not in e mood to eat.. just had hot milo cause i was sneezing all the way..

really tired.. got to wake up early tomorrow.. sleeping soon.... i need a break..