WHY IT TURN OUT LYK TIS???

why it turns out like this?

*guess i jus been thru so mani thru out tis mth.. those "illnesses" tat r botherin mi.. they r yet 2 b known.. i jus wanna wk harder 2 support myself.. my medical fees.. my mom currently nt wkin ar.. is diff 4 e family.. yet dad.. jus got e " lost of words" feelin when i mention dad.. was asked out by yun.. at 1st i didnt noe wat's goin on..was told or shld sae booked by her onli.. until tat dae itself..which is todae..i knew tat we r goin 4 bowlin n steamboat.. i told him abt it.. he sound disappointed 2 mi.. i realli wk too hard tat i got no time 4 him..

was quite a miserable dae early mornin.. was feelin nt realli happi over wk yester.. guess i feel beta after i met them.. was late 4 bowlin.. cos onli manage 2 clear sum wk stuff onli at 3pm.. guess my nco warriors 03/04 will simply understand mi well.. lolx (>.<).. i didnt bowl actuall.. guess my abdominal pain r realli givin mi headache.. so i choose nt 2 make it worse.. though i realli feel lyk bowlin [ i dun realli noe how 2 ].. jus feel tat i'm filled wif all those big n small probz tat i hav yet 2 solve.. i noe by draggin it will make thingys worse.. but i'm realli exhausted.. he jus dun understand mi at all.. i hav changed.. so do u.. if u realli lurve mi.. plz.. accept e mi nw.. steamboat.. was realli upset when yun ask mi wat had gone wrong btw us.. mths again..we actuall faced e same thingys alread.. we had lost of words when we cum smsin or tokin on fone.. i knew sum how sumthingy will happened btw us..

guess 2005 was a bad yr 4 mi.. haiz.. we walked towards marina south.. instead of takin 400 bus.. thru out.. we had been discussin wat had happened btw mi n him.. at tat point of time.. i held on 2 my tears.. i noe sumthing bad is cumin my way.. haiz.. go there.. eat zheng fa steamboat.. actuall okie lahz.. jus tat i realli nt in e mood 2 eat ar.. but still force myself 2 b strong in front of my frenz..eat n eat.. they ate prawns oso.. live ones summore.. can c them jumpin.. haiz.. i'm stupid.. go ask him whether he still lurve mi nt.. in e end.. he finall voice out le.. all a sudden.. my tears jus flow out.. i tink i mus hav scare all of them.. mayb we r fated 2 end tis way ba.. wat 2 do.. haiz.. we broke up le.. you yuan neng zai xiang yu.. almost 11 mths le.. 3 more daes onli.. chang tong bu ru duan tong.. end le oso gd.. he sound so calm 2 mi.. isnt he sad lyk mi do?? i cried n cried non-stop.. till nw i still cryin.. anw.. u r in my heart 4ever..

* i wan e peace i longed 4 nw *

[ i wan e peace i longed 4 nw ]

* i jus need peace.. tat's all.. i dun wan anythingy else.. jus feel dae after dae of misery.. haiz.. i oso dunoe y.. mayb i'm jus worried.. guess as wat wei dong sae.. dun worry too much.. dun mouth sae nt worry but heart worries.. but is hard.. but was wat my uncle sae abt mi.. wo shi gan si dui.. i'm nt afraid 2 die.. but i'm afraid tat my families n frenz would suffer bcoz of mi ar.. if die wifout illnesses.. at least ur families n frenz didnt suffer wif u.. even if die, oso can die peaceful.. haiz.. mayb i shld do wat i wanna die b4 is too late.. hahaz.. i still can laugh.. dun worry.. i'm nt tat worried actuall..

lyk my studies.. pri 4 streamin i heng heng pass.. sec 2 streamin oso.. sec 4 o'level i tot i oso will heng heng get thru.. but i didnt.. when i was pri 4.. 4 almost 1 mth, i got difficulty walkin.. whenever i stands down, i will hav probz getting up.. tat time doc tot i got bone cancer.. but luckily i didnt.. in jan.. i got appendix op.. my appendix almost took away my life.. i oso heng heng go thru e hell gate n make a u-turn back.. tis 3rd time.. will it b jus lyk my o'level xams?? i believe i cant b so lucky all e time..

its been a wk plus le.. though i under control nw wif medication.. but i realli wanna noe wat realli happenes 2 mi.. bleedin in motion n urination.. tat serious frm wat i noe.. actuall i didnt wanna let my parents noe.. coz it happened on e 7th.. n on e 8th is mothers dae.. but e 2nd ae which is on e 8th, e situation got worse.. it started frm motion.. then urination oso hav.. haiz.. tat time i force myself 2 tell my mom.. she was so worried.. though she kept scoldin mi 4 nt takin care of my bodi.. i noe she is worried.. she jus scold mi 2 hide away all her fear.. u r my mom.. i'm ur daughter.. hu noes u beta then mi?? frm young, mom alwaz tell mi abt her probz.. therefore, it develops a telepathy btw e both of us.. mani a times, when i wanna eat sumthingy, i was hav 2 tink, mom would seems 2 noe wat i wan 4 my meals.. i'm sure 4 so mani times, it isnt coincidence rite??

keep takin antibiote.. pple sae take too much antibiode will drop hair de.. my hairs r droppin too.. haiz.. on e 31st may.. i'm goin 4 ultrasound scan 2 check on my kidneys at sgh.. is 1415hr.. e doc afraid got kidney stones or tuberculosis.. which is TB.. dun keep pesterin abt e report.. it needs time 2 b out.. n on e 8th of june.. i supposed 2 go 4 colonoscopy.. is a specalised examination tat allows e doc 2 look inside my large intestine usin a tube wif a video cam..e colonoscopy can b quite dangerous.. if doc nv do properly.. mite even tear my intestine wall.. summore.. on e 7th.. i support 2 eat fish ball noodles or fish porriage onli.. on e 8th itself.. i'm supposed 2 wakey at 6am.. eat onli 2 slices of plain white breads n tea-o or kipo-o onli.. cannot drink milk..even milo oso cannot.. frm 7am to 9am.. i suppose 2 fill 2 litres of plain water n pour e oral colonic lavage powder given by e doc.. then drop finished within e 2hrs.. after which will start 2 go toilet.. mus clear all e motion.. otherwise scope will onli c motion.. lolx.. e appointment is 1445hr on 8th june.. got sedation.. make mi slp.. otherwise sure pain lyk hell..

after which.. hav 2 wait 4 report cum out.. then will go back c Dr Lee.. e colorectal surgery specialist.. on e 14th june.. hav 2 c endocrinology specialist.. haiz.. so mani specialist thingy n tat.. realli b sick in n out of hospital.. luckily dun need hospitalised yet.. otherwise even worse.. mom will b even more busi.. didi still seein his hand at nuh.. n mi at sgh.. haiz.. jus hope n c ba.. gtg le.. need 2 eat medi again.. n is slpin time !!!!!!!!!! ~


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# Everythingy that happenes to us has a meaning.
Even if you're sad and filled with pain and feel
like you can't go on, as long as you keep going
and pressing forward bravely, living your life
without being defeated, you will come to see the
meaning of that suffering and pain.

This is the power of FAITH.
It is also the essence of life.
The word KARMA is Sanskrit for ACTION.
All of our actions - what we think, what we say,
and wat we actually do - are engraved in our life.
When our actions are good, we will receive positive
effects that will make us happy. When our actions
are bad, we will receive negative effects that make
us unhappy.
It all eventually comes back to us. #

Daisaku Ikeda ( President of Soka Gakkai International SGI )
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* feelin blank nw *

[ feelin blank nw ]

*i jus dunoe wat happened.. i'm down wif all these stupid thingy yet no bodi understands mi.. even my bf..he isnt by my side 2 comfort mi.. y?? haiz.. i jus dunoe oso lahz.. haiz.. he dun understands mi yet he blames mi 4 nt goin out wif him.. i'm sick.. i'm sick yet i hav 2 wk so hard 4 my medical fees.. mom nt wkin nw.. so i hav 2 pay my own fees.. u pple shld noe c specialist veri expensive de.. onli c one dae.. i spent almost 200 over le.. still goin 4 e colonoscopy which mite cause mi almost 400 bucks.. n e ultrasound scan.. is 55.. it isnt cheap over.. i still lookin 4 nitez classes or tuition 4 my o'level.. yet.. i dare nt go 4 enrolement.. i dunoe whether i'm able 2 take exam not.. n dunoe whether i can make it till e end..i'm mentally n physically weak 2 even tink..haiz.. my hand.. feelin numb.. shivers .. my bodi oso.. i feel giddy..

frenz.. i need ur courage.. give mi sum plz..

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# True happiness is not the absence of suffering:
You cannot have day after day of clear skies.
True happiness lies in building a self that stands
dignified and indomitable. Happiness doesn't
having a life free from all difficulties but that
whatever difficulties arise, without being shaken
in the least, you can summon up the unflinching
courage and conviction to fight and overcome them. #

Daisaku Ikeda ( President of Soka Gakkai International )

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* good bye my frenz !!!!! *

[ good bye my frenz !!!!! ]

*guess i'm gettin tired le.. in n out of hospital.. seein so mani specialists.. will i b so lucky as last time?? i almost die bcoz of my appendix.. it almost burst in my stomach.. is been almost a wk..y?? y lyk tat?? is it my karma?? is tat my fate tat i wun live till 21 yrs old?? realli startin 2 resign 2 my own fate.. e dae b4 went in2 A&E..yester seen urology specialist..n colorectal surgery specialist..was arranged 2 do a ultrasound scan on e 31st of may n colonoscopy on e 8th may.. after e report cums out..i'm goin back 2 e colorectal surgery specialist dr lee..on e 14th june, i'm seeing endocrinology specialist.. been takin blood tests.. realli scared by those needle-like thingy tat r pockin on2 my hands..tat scope i'm doin..still mus fast n do lotsa thingys..

nw i'm currently on medication..guess i realli gave mom a bad mothers' dae tis yr..haiz..y my motion n urination will hav blood..y?? i'm afraid tat's internal bleedin..haiz.. wat shld i do??

i prayed!!!!!!