[ i miss you so muchhhhh ]

i miss you so muchhhhh.........

i slept till 12pm today.. was really tired.. and today.. i'm off from work.. mom's home.. didi also.. cause he over-slept and didnt go school.. *yawn*... i already slept till like noon time.. but.. i still feel so tired.. bored bored bored.. whole day at home... was trying to blog for the past few entries..

was quite disappointed yesterday at work.. didnt managed to make any appointment for my advisors.. *haiz*.. *demoralised* ... somemore i wasnt feeling that well yesterday.. not really in the mood.. had breakfast and lunch together at one goal.. with mom and didi.. and went to the market with them as well.. so sianz.. was on the com the whole day.. and mom is like screaming practically every an hour.. nothing to do what.. seriously boring.. somemore not much nice tv program to watch also..

made jellies again.. mom special requested for it.. she wants to eat.. lolx.. when making the jellies.. i just remembered that i said before that i want to make for him to eat.. when i did my PIE project the other time in school, he was absent.. he once promised that he will save a share of his cheese cake the other day when he did it for his PIE project.. but he didnt.... TJY... since when the things you promised me you got fulfilled ar? why must you DISAPPOINT me TIME and AGAIN?? i really want to know.. want to know badly if you still love me?? want to know badly if you still have feelings for me?? who is the girl are your msn nicks are refering to??

was hiding in the room just now.. listening to the song : 如果你还爱我 ( if you still love me ).... i CRIED.. I CRIED!! I REALLY MISSES YOU A LOT!!!! sms Nad and told her.. she told me to bear with it.. MISS and FORGET.. and ask me not to sms him... ya.. i didnt.. but really misses him a lot........ do you miss me how i miss you??


[ love has many forms.. jealous is definitely NOT one of them... ]

[ 幸福它真的不容易 happiness is not that easy ]

幸福它真的不容易 happiness is not that easy

yesterday.. that stupid Farhan begged me like dont know what just to hope that i can make it for the meet up today with him and Nad.. ya.. your dream has been fulfilled.. woke up at about 10am in the morning.. i'm so TIRED.. and ironed all the clothes.. yupz.. cause i just know my mom too well.. if i never do anything to help her and go out every single day, she will HORN at me.. Nad and Farhan meet each other and i'm meeting them at 2pm..

i'm like having a bad headache.. think my miagrain giving me problem again.. BUT.. no choice.. PROMISE them liao.. so i still went.. think the weather nowadays is real bad.. that's why i'm feeling sick this few days.. we went to Peninsula plaza and make rounds.. actually dont intend to spend or buy anything.. just plain window shopping.. BORING!! happened to walk pass some shops selling guitars and stuffs.. so.. i went in.. was thinking to buy some picks for a friend's birthday next year.. going to keep accumulating till the day arrived.. hahaz.. let's keep it a secret.. shall not reveal that friend's name.. kekez..

after which.. we went to Funan IT Mall for our breakfast cum lunch.. i ate KFC AGAIN!! oh man!! i'm like practicaly everyday i'm eating fastfood.. NOooooo.. this is not going to be the way.. after which.. we went to suntec city.. passed by citylink.. so many things had changed.. i'm like so long never shop at citylink and suntec city liao.. i guess also got one year liao le.. purposely took a walk into carrefour.. think he's no longer working there liao.. it's been 1 week i never see him.. hardly see him online also.. think he's busy with his work and his archery club ba..

benjamin came to meet me today after work.. was having a bad headache.. he tried to sweet talk with me.. but.. i'm SORRIE.. i dont have feelings for you anymore.. seriously.. save your efforts of trying to make me happy ba.. it wont works.. i only have HIM in my heart now.. this is going to be an unchangable fact... oh ya.. Daryl also came to talk to me online today morning.. and asked about about my msn nick.. and i told him what happened.. nothing disgrace to hide also.. and he actually confessed something to me.. he said he regretted letting me go.. ya.. it's been 2 years.. 2 years since we broke up... everything is gonna be coming to an end soon...

a new song to recommend... title of the song is : 我可以

寄没有地址的信
这样的情绪有种距离
你放着谁的歌曲
是怎样的心情
能不能说给我听
雨下得好安静
是不是你偷偷在哭泣
幸福真的不容易
在你的背影有我爱你
我可以陪你去看星星
不用再多说明
我就要和你在一起
我不想再一次和你分离
我多么想每一次的美丽
是因为你
幸福真的不容易

Happiness is not easy... really not easy..

[ first day at work ]

first day at work

It's Monday.. 3 more weeks before my attachment starts.. woke up early morning at 9am.. supposed to be at Ngee Ann at 11am.. BUTtttt... I was late.. woke up, brush my teeth, had a shower and did my morning prayer.. after which, I actually iron my own clothes before my mom going to horn at me because of my un-iron clothes piling up.. and that was the the reason why I was late.. hahaz.. left home at about 10.15am.. it took me about 10mins to walk to the mrt.. after which, i took the mrt to Clementi.. it was around 11am already when I reach Clementi..

I walked to the Mac and bought my breakfast.. I had Sausage McMuffin with egg.. *yum yum*.. the NPSD actually set up a booth at the atrium... our motive is to get more non-members from Ngee Ann Poly to take part in the Milkrun event.. helping there are Weilun, Jefferson, Layleng, Yvonne, Xueyun, Teck Kun, me..... and many many...

Seriously speaking.. I didnt help much in the promoting over there.. but.. I managed to get 2 of my friends to join.. one of them is SPSD de, Naomi.. and another one is only new friend and my best bud in secondary school, Xianyun.. Yupz yupz.. she has agreed to join!!! Hurray.. Hao nan de worz.. but we also very long never see each other le.. So, it also serve as a good meet up for us.. Heez=]

During lunch time, I had the chicken soup... nice nice.. and layleng and yvonne ate the butter teriyaki chicken rice.. *yum yum*.. shall try it the next time round... at around 4plus, Xueyun finished school and came to look for us.. we didnt really help lahz.. just online and doing things are not really concerning the milkrun.. *guilty* saw Kenji too.. but so bad of him.. just say hi and walked away liao.. saying that he's rushing for time.. at about 5plus, me and xueyun left.. before i left, i went to buy the potato salad and bacon and cheese sandwiches.. *yum yum*... it's gonna be my dinner..

i took bus 74 to dover mrt station and took a train to tanjong pagar.. at the lobby area of my office, there's a coffeebean and i had chocolate ice-blended... *nice nice* ... i waited for Jeslyn to come before going into the office... first day of work.. so scary!! Jeslyn told me that the other advisor I'm working under sprain her ankle and couldnt come to work today.. her name is Jolene.. first day at work.. kind of stressful.. It's something I never I have never tried before.. But must give a big thanks to Jeslyn.. she's always there to help me..

After calling about more than 40calls, finally, there's a kind young man who's willing to make the appointment with Jeslyn!! YES!! it really serve as a qiang xin zhen for me!! I finished my work at around 10plus.. and another kind soul actually want to send Jeslyn and another advisor back, so i managed to get a ride too! I dropped off at YCK mrt control and with another advisor.. Actually Jeslyn wanted to accompany to wait for bus.. but that advisor.. zhi gao fen yong.. say want to accompany.. actually he's Jeslyn's boyfriend.. my instinct is so strong.. who will be so kinded ar?? hahaz!!

first day at work.... everything is so good..... tomorrow will be a better day!!!!

[ PATHETIC CHINGAY TRAINERS GATHERING ]

PATHETIC CHINGAY TRAINERS GATHERING

yupz.. i woke up at about 10plus.. i heard mom yelling why am i not waking up.. was real TIRED.. i slept at 2am in the morning again.. and cant to sleep simply because the weather is too HOT!!! i'm NOT HOT.. BUT.. i'm FEELING WARM.. hahaz.. Farhan's favourite question : " ARE YOU HOT?" if he asked me.. i'll always say: "I'M WARM!!".. muahahaz.. i woke up.. did my morning prayers, ate my breakfast and took a shower.. then.. i made JELLIES.. it's for meant for tonight's Chingay Trainers' Gathering..

was trying real hard to get the names of those coming down.. so that i can judge how much i need to make.. and meet up with them to bring them to Willie's house.. FINALLY got Xueyun.. she is the organizer of this gathering.. end up.. she told me she's not going.. she cant finished her project which will due tomorrow when poly school reopen.. and Maymay also.. she wont be going down either.. Received Gina jie's sms at 3plus.. telling me she's not coming either.. and Melvin's sms at 4plus.. trying me he wont be able to go either.. he cant finished his planning for the SSA "7777" event..

now.. it's left with 5 PATHETIC trainers.. mi, Willie, Stephanie, Stella and Kevin.. sound so PITIFUL right?? people tried so hard to get a GATHERING organized.. YET, the outcome is like that.. LISTEN CAREFULLY!! the FULL STRENGTH is 18people.. and only 5 turned up.. it's a gathering not well planned.. JC students are having their exams.. they cant turn up.. Poly students chiong-ing their project and school going to start tomorrow.. and many leaders are involved in"7777" event.. so our item i/cs and cheoros all very busy.. who else will be free? only people like me who's having holidays now, people who are working like Stephanie and Stella, and people who are slacking like Kevin.. and of cause Willie.. we are using his house.. I feel so bad to disturb his family.. it's SUNDAY.. and meant to be FAMILY DAY!

i'm REALLY ON FIRE!! HYPER-TENSION.. SERIOUSLY.. but it turned out to be something good.. We had CURRY CHICKEN (Willie's mom cooked),DUCK(Kevin bought), KFC FAMILY FEAST (Stephanie bought), GREEN BEAN SOUP and GUAVA DRINK (Willie's mom made), Jellies (by me) and Cakes (by Stella) for Desserts!!! it was a COSY session.. after eating.. we hide in Willie's airconditioned room and talked many things.. from my problem to Stella's... and crack lots of jokes.. i really feel MUCH MUCH better after sharing with them.. overall, they are waiting for this day to come to hear what's happening to me!! THANKS GUYS!! love you lots!

when i was talking till halfway, Stella ask me if my school outsiders can go in or not.. so i told her shouldnt be a problem.. then she say, she will bring a cup of super dark coffee and go in front of him and pour the dark coffee on his uniform.. seriously, it will definitely be DIFFICULT to WASH off.. lolx.. so funny of her.. she somemore say she will use the act cute face to say sorry to him.. lolx.. she's just KIDDING.. kekez.. she somemore ask Willie to accompany her go and video down the whole process and put in youtube.. haiyo.. girls cannot be offended de worz.. hahaz..

Stephanie and Stella took 969 with me.. and on the bus.. we continued our girls' talk.. real real HAPPY tonight.. dont think so LITTLE people we cant ENJOY ourselves.. i think i have a better time.. with all those people who really know me well.. and i felt much more COMFORTABLE sharing it out!! i HOPE the next gathering will be a better one.....................................


[ i thought of you today again... after sharing our STORY.......... miss you much ]

[ would you be there for me?? ]

would you be there for me??

i sianz half half.. almost type finished this entry then whole thing lost because i pressed something wrong.. dont care liao.. dont want to write liao.. just want to recommend a great song..

title of the song : would you be there (redwan ali)

If I were blue, would you be there for me,
And whisper in my ears that's okay,
Would you stand by me,
let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.

If I feel good, would you slow dance with me,
And touch my lips with tender love and care.
Would you die for me,
Would you run with me,
And never look back

Would you be there to love,to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you’ll always be the one,
to take my breath away

Would you be there to love,to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you’ll always be the one,
to take my breath away

would you be there....

If i'm away, would you still think of me?
And wish that you could hold me now
Would you die for me,
Would you run with me,
All the way

Would you be there to love,to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you’ll always be the one,
to take my breath away

Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you’ll always be there,
to kiss my pain away?

Would you be there to love,to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you’ll always be the one,
to take my breath away

Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you’ll always be there,
to kiss my pain away?

would you be there.... for me....

these are the questions in my mind.. i really dont know what you are thinking.. SERIOUSLY.. I REALLY DONT KNOW!! will you still be there for me?? are all the msn nicks refering to me?? how i wish it is....

[ 如果你还爱我 ]

如果你还爱我

woke up at 7.45am today morning.. cause.. i am supposed to attend the Blood Drive CIP today at harbourfront.. supposed to meet Joyce and Daphne de.. but end up.. they are in the afternoon shift.. and me in the morning shift.. so Hazel asked me to meet her.. at 10am for breakfast at Harbourfront.. END UP!!! she was LATE.. and real real LATE.. luckily still got Nabilah and Firin.. we had Mac's breakfast.. and Hazel finally reached at 10.45am.. haiyo.. my dear girl.. you're a nurse.. cannot like that you know..

the CIP started at 11am.. i'm under Xiangyun's group.. people from Red Cross are real good.. Candy also very nice.. i helped at counter 1 to issue the queue no.. was pretty fun and tiring too.. Joyce and Daphne came at 1plus and went to shop at vivo city.. their duty will only start at 3pm.. i left at 3.45pm and went to meet Darren.. accompany go bras brasah sell his old textbooks.. after which we walked to bugis to have our dinner.. we had long john silver.. the last time i went there was with him.. and his friends.. that day was his brother's girlfriend birthday.. and still remember that was the last time he sent me home.. we took 851 actually..

on my way back.. i remembered i almost quarrelled with him because of jasmine that girl.. haiz.. i'm just looking back.. after that, we took 51 to SYC.. there's friday rendeavous there.. and Pinwen is performing.. waited for siyi at the sitting area outside SYC.. and saw many our chingay kids.. eugena, jerry, meimei(yon chin), serene, vanessa, eng peng.. they are performing..

first song heard... title is 如果你还爱我.. it's real nice.. and tells my STORY.. friends who are reading this entry of mine.. read the lyrics.. it's really MEANING.. and it really DESCRIBE me the FULLEST now.. Pinwen was pretty nervous when performing.. luckily got Gilbert by his side.. and saw Benny too.. lolx. really very long never see him liao.. after which.. i took 855 back home.. *yawn*.. i'm MEETING NAD and FARHAN TOMORROW!!!!

was on the phone with Joyce just now.. and talked about his 100marks shuai ge.. ya.. he's quite shuai le.. my vitamin J also okie!! hahaz!! (Joyce, please see this entry!!).. wahahaz.. now.. i realised i no longer will cry when talking about him already.. my heart has stopped bleeding.. and just feeling numb only.. my tears has dried up after so many weeks of weeping and crying..

the song is a chinese one.. i did some simply translation for the benefit of the doubt.. for those who dont understand chinese..


我带着一颗疲惫的心走了 I brought along a tiring heart and left
我知道自己在你心里已不重要 I know in your heart , it's no longer important
虽然我们曾经相聚过 though we might once be together
也许对于你来说 But to you,
已经没有什么值得回忆 It's no longer worth remembering

我带着一颗沉重的心走了 I brought along a heavy heart and left
我知道自己没有勇气道别离 I know myself that I dont have the courage to say "good-bye"
虽然我们曾经拥有过 Though we might once own each other
但是对于你来说 But to you,
已经没有什么值得回忆 Its's no longer worth remembering

难道早以注定 Maybe it has longed been fated,
不能真正拥有你 I cant really own you
难道我真心付出一切 Maybe what i have sacrifice wholeheartedly
只为了承受孤单和寂寞 are just meant to endure loneliness and emptiness
我知道你不敢对我坦白 I know you dare not say it truthfully to me,
是不要看到我的伤怀 is not wanting to see me upset
虽然你没有说要离开我 Though you didnt say you want to leave me,
我已经感到你不再属于我 I know that you no longer belong to me

如果你还爱我 If you still love me,
你不会对我如此的冷漠 You wont treat me so cold
又怎会让我在漫漫长夜独自徘徊 and wont let me ponder through this lonely night

如果你还爱我 If you still love me,
你不会对我如此的冷漠 You wont treat me so cold
我只能含着眼 All i can is to hold on to my tears
泪默默的离开 and leave quietly

[ 如果你还爱我............. ]

[ a PASSER-BY that brighten my days and once painted my life in RAINBOW colours ]

a PASSER-BY that brighten my days and once painted my life in RAINBOW colours

it's wednesday.. the first day of my holidays.. BUT.. i'm like ROTTING at home.. *rotten apple* .. was just now looking back and my friendster's testimony and comments given by my friends.. ya.. apple used to be the nick headache virus always call me.. hahaz.. think back. it's kind of stupid to have such a nick huh.. ya.. it's because of my red cheeks.. and i blushed too easily.. that's why they call me apple.. BUT somehow.. i just hate this nick now.. because this nick is associated to a girl i dont really like.. ya.. what rights do i have to dislike her?? after all, SHE is the ONE who GAIN your ATTENTION now..

was on the phone with my cousin last night.. and was telling him what have happened to me recently.. good for you kor.. finally find your happiness.. i'm still searching for it!! i'm kind of DISTRACTED due to the UNNECESSARY DISTURBANCE i have for the past 3 months.. ya.. i got almost a month holidays now.. and follow on with three months attachment.. luckily and unluckily, we arent in the same hospital.. i guess it will STOP all my URGE to SEE you.. and can be make FULL USE to HEAL my PAINFUL WOUND..

got a nice song to share - "dying inside to hold you" by Timmy Thomas.. super old song liao.. those who want to listen to it, can tag me.. and i'll send it to you.. real MEANINGFUL lyrics..

had breakfast together with mom and didi.. mom seems really TROUBLED.. and really DISAPPOINTED over what dad DID.. *haiz* how long must this go on?? mom is TIRED!!


Dying inside to hold you
It's started out just another day
I took a shower and I went on my way
I stopped there as usual
had a coffee and pie
When i turned to leave
I couldn't believe my eyes

Standing there i didn't know what to say
Without one touch
We stood there face to face

Chorus
(And) i was dying inside to hold you
I couldn't believe what i felt for you
Dying inside i was dying inside
But i couldn't bring myself to touch you

You said hello then you asked my name
I didn't know if i should go home or remain
Inside i felt my life had really changed
I knew that it would never be the same

Standing there i didn't know what to say
First I looked away and i whispered your name

Chorus 2x

One hello changed my life
I didn't believe in love at first sight
But you have shown me what is like
And I now i know my love (i know this love is right)

Chorus (fade)

[ let everything be calibrated to ZERO again! ]

[ let everything be calibrated to ZERO again! ]

just yesterday i didnt get a chance to blog.. and i'm DYING to POUR everything out already.. hahaz!!! FIRST of all, i have FINISHED my EXAMS already.. it's HOLIDAYS from this very MOMENT.. muahahaz.. yupz.. let's talk about what happened yesterday first..

MONDAY (18.06.07) - as usual ma.. wake up at 4.45am just to go school.. so PATHETIC right?? and i'm only staying at YISHUN.. not JB.. BLAME the bus 969 lohz.. if i go out too late, i wont get a chance to even board the bus.. i dont want to take cab to school.. SERIOUSLY.. DONT WANT! and i'm like so TIRED.. i simple DRAGGED myself out of the bed.. *yawn* ya.. it's NURSING STUDIES paper.. oh man!! seriously i'm NOT really that confident that i can do well after seeing the paper.. the MCQs are quite tricky.. and the short answer questions.. how much PASSION we need to get the paper done?? (o^.^o) SERIOUSLY.. A LOT!!

the paper is from 8.30am to 10.30am... rule no 1: we are not allowed to walk out of the hall for the first 30mins and last 15mins of the time .. if in the midst we finished, we can just let the lecturers know and we can walk out.. he was the FIRST person to walk out of the exam hall.. really IDOL him sia.. actually i think i finished much earlier than he do.. just DARE NOT walk out.. wahahaz.. seeing his back view. REALLY makes my HEART ACHES badly.. this time round, will i DEFINITELY GIVE UP?? can i REALLY GIVE UP??

i really dont know.. after the paper itself, Nad went home to rest.. Farhan and me headed to TM.. we went to grab a bite.. actually dont really feel like eating.. just FEEL like SLEEPING.. hahaz.. but POOR farhan.. parents went to KL.. no body at home.. so accompany him go eat.. we had long john silver at TM.. OH MAN!! SINNER!! i'm a REAL SINNER sia.. want to lose weight still eating fastfood.. *haiyoyo*

after which.. i went home and sleep.. real real tired ne!! was awaken by Nad's phone call.. and woke up to wash my uniform and iron my own clothes.. and my STUPID mom callled.. she asked me if i'm going for the planning meeting.. my dear mom, i'm having EXAM.. see again!! EXAM lehz.. haiz.. end up, i still guai guai finish my revision and headed for the meeting.. SERIOUSLY.. i dont feel like going... but i still went.. have red bean pancake and lime juice for dinner.. seriously dont feel like eating... i was quite early so i sat at the shelter near to uncle hua thong's place..

when i was about i leave the shelter.. *piang* i FELL down AGAIN.. it hurts my left ankle AGAIN.. and my right kneecap (patella).. and it's BLUE BLACK now!! real real painful.. was so afraid that i will limp to school AGAIN!! ya.. SERVE me RIGHT actually.. i was the one who OPPOSE STRONGLY that i dont want to go for the meeting.. now i went.. and Gohonzon PUNISHED me!! *sobx sobx*

our meeting ended at 9.30pm sharp.. mom and i took a cab back home... really very tired!!

TUESDAY - yupz.. I HAVE FINISHED my bioscience paper.. yupz.. SERIOUSLY speaking.. if we did study for bioscience paper, we can DEFINITELY score a distinction.. BUT somehow, got MENTAL BLOCK.. cannot really remember some of it.. i walked out of the hall at around 9plus coming to 10.. ya.. finished the paper in quite a short time..

After the paper itself, i made our way to MLT with Daphne, Joyce and Dougles.. actually walking with Nad, Shiffa and Farhan de.. end up, also dont know where they go.. and while waiting to going into MLT.. saw him.. he's just behind us (Daphne, Joyce, Dougles and me).. and that stupid Dougles.. talked so loud just to attract attention.. SAVE YOUR EFFORTS ba.. NO MATTER how HARD i tried.. he will just be HEARTLESS.. why make my LIFE so MISERABLE when i can CHOOSE to be HAPPY?? STUPID right?? in life, in many situations, there's only 2 choices.. either you CHOOSE to be HAPPY or MISERABLE.. since i already KNOW that i have a CHOICE to MAKE, why dont just CHOOSE to be HAPPY?

like what xueyun da jie say, " look FORWARD and NOT backward. you can be HAPPY AGAIN!! " true.. " The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you cant go on well in life until you let go your past failures and heartaches. " ... this is one of my favourite phase of words.. REAL TRUE right? Jessica Loh, you got almost one month before your clinical attachment.. treat this period as the HEALING PROCESS ba..

yupz.. FINALLY.. we know which hospital we are posted too!! i'm going to TTSH.. Nad to NUH.. Farhan to SGH.. and he went to CGH.. he must be very disappointed.. cause all along, he shares the same thinking as me.. to go to SGH.. and Farhan.. he also kind of disappointed.. cause he wants to go to TTSH so badly.. anyway, i'm going to MISS you guys real a LOT!! *sobx sobx*.. first week of my posting will be at Yishun polyclinic.. after that, the following 8weeks will be at TTSH.. 4weeks at surgical ward and 4 weeks at medical ward.. it's going to the TOUGEST period i'm going to FACE.. so... i REALLY need to stay POSITIVE all the time.. JIAYOU!!

1-3pm is the Red Cross Welcome Party.. yupz.. i'm in the Red Cross.. going for a CIP programme this coming friday at vivo city.. yupz.. and i'm seeing xueyun da jie and yvonne er jie this coming thursday for milkrun training at NP!!! REALLY LOOKING FORWARD to it!! it's like so long we didnt go out together le.. HAHAZ!! girls' talk TIME!!

"until the day i die.. `missingyou`" - who can this be?? let just let everything be CALIBRATED to ZERO once AGAIN!!!!!!!...........................

[ how STUPID can i go?? not any FURTHER!! ]

[ it's NOT EASY to be ME!! ]

it's NOT EASY to be ME!!

had a real early rest last night.. by 10.30pm, my whole family are all in bed.. but i turning and tossing in bed actually.. cannot sleep.. and still hoping he will sms.. i actually sms him yesterday morning to wish him all the best in his NUS competition.. but i guess this time round, he's disappointed with his performance again?? the last round.. he had a competition on the saturday after the "incident" took place.. and i sms him saying the same old words too.. and he did replied in the night telling me how he did.. but this time round, he didnt.. my instinct tell me he didnt do well..

i think and think.. and fall asleep.. woke up at 9plus today morning.. kind of early for a sunday morning huh.. dad's home.. bro too.. mom has just left home for work.. *sianz*.. going to face the two MEN at home.. Nad sms and asked if i can go out to study.. *haiz* just too bad.. I CANT!! cause mom took my farecard to top the concession for me.. if not, i will have to walk to school tomorrow!! hahaz.. i'm still on the com.. havent start studying for my nursing studies YET.. Jessica Loh, with this kind of efforts you are putting in, how well do you think you will do?? *haiz* i'm just easily distracted.. that's why i DONT WANT to STUDY at HOME!!

i'm still dwelling in the problem.. my heart is still STUCK inside.. pull me out, somebody!! if da jie see this entry of mine, she will be real disappointed that i'm still like that after she had that talk with me.. FORGET all about it, Jess.. YOU CAN DO IT DE!! JUST DO IT!! (sound like nike's advertisment).. it's NOT EASY to be ME!! SERIOUSLY..

daryl talked to yesterday on msn.. he thought he's the one who made me angry.. WAHAHAZ!! *laughing my ass out* you dont have such ability now ANYMORE.. ya.. he's my ex-boyfriend.. and he advised me not to take things so seriously in life.. he's the one who know me inside out.. i'm always SERIOUS in things i do.. ESPECIALLY those that interest me.. he said that after minus-ing the sadness, the stress, illness and stuff.. we are only left with 70years to live.. and now, we are now almost 20years old liao.. only left with 50more years.. should CHERISH the good moments..

yupz.. just blaming myself how come my fate with daryl is so SHORT?? if not, we'll still be e COUPLE everyone around envies.. SERIOUSLY.. my secondary school mates really envy me having such a nice boyfriend.. BUT.. it's all short term happiness.. let everything ends FASTER!! i NEED a BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!

[ even heros hav e right 2 bleed... ]

[ even heros hav e right 2 bleed... ]

mom's home today.. and i slept till 11am today.. didnt meet Nad and Farhan to study.. mom wants me to be home during weekends.. and it's like so boring study alone at home.. with all the unneccessary noise pollution.. and my cosy bedroom with my super comfortable bed.. *haiz*.. had breakfast and lunch together at the same time.. one shot finish it.. we had duck rice.. something which i dont really love eating.. only ate about half the plate of the rice.. just want to cut down the carbohydrate i taking in everyday.. want to look slimmer.. and prettier.. smile =]

started revision at around 1plus after i had my shower and did my morning prayers.. i also dont know how i managed to watch tv and revise at the same time.. i'm still stuck with my bioscience.. havent really start studying for my nursing studies which is on monday.. *haiz* after studying only for less than 2hours, i started to sneeze again.. i think it's because of yesterday at the hdb hub ba.. i was sneezing all the way in the room during the workshop.. and with the sick body, i travelled all the way to simei.. and from tampines i take bus home.. listen carefully.. i'm sick okie.. and yet.. i go deliver things as though i'm a postwoman..

alright.. let's talk about what happened yesterday.. it's over already!! everything has come to an END!! i went to sleep.. and sleep till almost 7pm before i wake up and have my dinner.. mom's at home.. so got to eat some home cooked food.. somehow satisified with the food i have today.. and sneezing again.. *ah choo* he having competition today at NUS.. dont know how is it.. *aiyo*.... Jessica Loh, stop bothering about him.. just feel bad that because of me, Farhan and Nad also having a change of their impression of him.. is he real like that?? or just doing this to make my heart dead?? whatever the reason or excuse is it behind what he did, he has hurted me deep enough already.. one day... one day, you will know how hurtful it is to do all these to me..

i havent do the things xueyun da jie asked me to.. cant bring myself to do it.. i just want him to remain the heartless one.. i dont hate him.. seriously.. and Nad is right.. i dont hate him at all.. *struggling with a fight inside* i know after already so many things had happened.. there isnt a need to need to know why already.. there isnt a need for any form of explaination.. but i really want to know what happened.. what is the cause behind all these.. if you want my heart to die without any regrets, tell me the reason behind it.. even if it's going to be an excuse, lie your way through and make it sound convicting to me.. and stop pinching salt on my wound.. it WONT help by being HEARTLESS.. i'm feeling NUMB inside.. the one you affected is MY FRIENDS.. my dear friends who really cares for me..

at least EXPLAIN something.. it's better this way than making me jump to conculsions.. that's what i hate to do.. i dont want to give you DEATH PENALTY without giving you the right for SELF DEFENCE.. BUT.. the worse thing is.. you dont sound as though you're guilty of anything.. you dont sound as though you really need that chance of self defending your actions.. you just cant be bother what's happening.. what EFFECTS your actions has on me.. is this what you mean NORMAL FRIENDS should behave?? if that's e case, you shouldnt have APPEAR in my life!!! let YOU be my GREATEST REGRET in 2007.......


-[unforgivable sinner - you wont ever be the same . someone cries and you're to blame]-

[ somewhere over the RAINBOW!! ]

[ somewhere over the RAINBOW!! ]

it's FRIDAY!! and we dont have school today!!! yupz.. it's self study given by the nursing department.. oh no!! counting down!!! 3days more to final exams.... seriously.. we dont have much time left to revise.. yupz.. every single second is important.. BUT.. i dont really cherish it seriously.. cause i just did too many STUPID things today.. and blogging here is a waste of time.. BUT.. i have the NEED to blog.. to express my feelings now...

early morning.. i woke up at 7.45am.. my phone's alaram clock rang for quite a long time before i can hear it.. luckily, my brother didnt wake up and suffocate me because of the noise pollution i'm causing early in the morning.. yupz.. i need to wake up to meet Nad and Farhan to study and revise for our exams.. change of venue in our study again.. this time round it's at toa poyah.. cause, in the afternoon, Farhan and me supposed to attend a workshop because of the intergration camp we are attending on the 28th.. had my shower as usual and did my morning prayers too.. my stomach kind of giving me problem early in the morning.. i also dont know why.. i didnt eat anything in the morning.. the worse thing is... i didnt even take dinner last night..

well.. left home at 8.45am.. walked real slowly all the way to yishun mrt.. i'm supposed to meet Nad and Farhan at 9.30am at toa poyah mrt control.. that blur Nad and Farhan actually took the wrong mrt when wanting to tranfer at cityhall.. *diaoz* BUT.. they are just so luckily.. reach toa poyah at 9.30am SHARP!! and dont have to face the punishment of treating me lunch.. *evil laugh* we went to BK and got ourselves settled down.. want to eat so much.. BUT.. just want to wait till lunch hours at 11am.. like that can save money eating the breakfast and cut down the amount of food taken in.. *wink*

had mushroom swiss single meal at the cost of $3.95!! yupz.. it's STUDENT MEAL!! who else will have this good priority?? *evil laugh* ya.. i doing sinful thing today again.. i ate FASTFOOD!! oh man!! mugging and mugging at BK.. mug till 1plus.. and the crazy us started to pose for the camera.. wahahaz.. *kawaii ne* after which.. we left for the workshop.. i feeling *sad*.. i'm not in the same group as farhan.. oh man!! will die.. saw emo gel.. and i was so excitied that i say "EMO GEL" right in front of him.. lolx.. Nad and Farhan laughed they really got muscle cramp.. kekez.. *blur me* i didnt even realised i said it though Nad's expression changes!!! kekez.. OOPS!! a bit crappy on the things we going to do during the camp.. kind of regret why i sign up for it..

after the briefing.. i called him.. want to pass him the past year paper i have in my hands.. hoping that it can help him in his revision also.. he lied to me.. he said he's still at his training.. but actually.. he's on his way back already.. maybe in the cab with the girl again ba.. i boarded bus 8 to tampines.. the bus only travelled 10mins away from toa poyah and he messaged and said that he's at his void deck already.. what is this?? it's a LIE!!! seriously a LIE!! am i that irritating?? he asked me to throw it into his letter box.. end up he say, his letter box is locked.. i just sms and want to confirm his unit no.. cause i remember is 7th storey but he told me is 6th storey.. end up.. he used "aiya" this word in his reply.. got irritated?? feel fustrated??

cant you just feel a bit more grateful to the way i am treating you now, for more appreciative towards things i have done for you?? i am doing this and SERIOUSLY NOT asking anything in RETURN from you!!! YET, i get this kind of treatment.. haiz.. he told me to sms him when i reach.. when i was at tampines safra waiting for bus to go to simei.. We (Farhan, Nad and me) saw RAINBOW.. "somewhere over the RAINBOW"...... a full RAINBOW.. is a BLESSING in return.. BUT.. things didnt turn out good.. he sms.. saying that he's not free to meet me to take the paper and ask me to go home.. ya.. i travelled all my way from toa poyah to simei with my poor friends and you ask me to go home?? what shit is that??

he cant even spare that 2minutes to come to his void deck to take the paper.. and said if i really want to come, throw it into his corridor's window then.. he's at home.. busy somemore.. why must it be window?? why cant you even open the door?? the only CONCLUSION i can JUMP to is that you dont even want to SEE me in person.. thanks huh!! haiz.. Nad and Farhan got real ANGRY.. till Nad feel like calling him and scold him and Farhan used vulguarities on him.. he almost replied the sms on behalf of me.. luckily he didnt.. *haiz*.. i'm real DISAPPOINTED this time round.. and find myself being real real STUPID all this while!!!!

Jessica Loh, can you dont repeatedly be SO STUPID?? stop all ties with him!! you should NOT be doing things for him anymore.. just listen to Nad, to Farhan, to Xueyun, to all your friends' words.. you have ENDURED one week.. not talking to him, not doing things for him, not sms-ing him.. you SHOULD continue this way!!! haiz.. i BROKE that CHAIN.. now, everything gonna START ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

told xueyun da jie what happened.. was on the phone with her just now.. i was talking and only her breathing through out the first 15minutes.. she so DAMN ANGRY.. angry for him doing this to me.. angry with me still doing things for me.. she even commanded me to delete his pictures from my friendster, his sms from my handphone, change my msn nick to something not regarding him and dump anything that he has given me.. i just cannot be so heartless.. i cant bring myself to be like that.. those who know me for really long should know me well inside.. i'm a SUPER EMOTIONAL person.. the thing i'm afraid to do the most is to be heartless.. really........

[ mission accomplished!! ]~*

[ mission accomplished!! ]~*

it's thursday... oh man!! we are simply flooded with bioscience today.. 1st lesson was at b06-32, bioscience lab.. today revision topic.. pharmanology and muscularskeleton system.. finally.. we are at our last chapter of the bioscience 1 module.. everyone in class looked so lethargy.. tired!! yupz.. one more day of endurance.. cause.. tomorrow.. there's no school!! YES!! more time to revise on our own.. seriously.. we need the time for that..

10am to 1pm.. supposed to be PIE lesson.. BUT.. it's taken over by Ms Tan again for bioscience lesson..AGAIN.. bioscience AGAIN!! we did some questions and test paper during this session.. Ms Tan's lesson is conducted from 10am to 12pm.. BUT.. so NICE of her.. she realised us at around 11.40am for early lunch.. yupz.. i'm quite hungry.. BUT.. at the same time, i dont feel like eating.. what kind of dilenma is it?? hahaz.. had nasi lemak at cafe 1.. didnt really see him today.. only once at the locker area.. my heart aches.. never really see him smile...

saw Mdm Suppiah at cafe 1 too.. and she came up to us (Farhan, Nad, Shiffa and me) and talked to ask.. asking how's our revision and what time we are dismissing today.. she thought we are ending at 3pm. but we told her we ending at 5pm.. at she gave us that *saddening* look.. she said something must be done to it way before we begged her.. it's so NICE of her.. i simply LOVE Mdm Suppiah!!

our break ended at 1pm.. and at 1pm, we had our nursing studies at t06-17.. we are supposed to try out the PPE suit before into the hospital for attachment.. just in case we are asked to be attach to isolation ward.. yupz.. and took pictures ILLEGALLY in the nursing lab.. muahahaz.. we do have lots of fun.. ya.. it's our very last nursing studies lesson in the nursing lab.. after monday and tuesday's paper.. we'll only see each other in 3months later.. *sobx* i will miss Nad and Farhan badly.. and HIM as well...

yupz.. guess we guys wont be in the same hospital.. mayb Farhan and him will be.. ya.. we are dismissed around 2.30pm from the nursing studies lesson.. and 3-5pm's bioscience has been cancelled too!!! yeah!!!~ Thank you Mdm Suppiah and Ms Tan.. *muackz*... after lesson, me and Farhan went back together.. Nad went to meet her boyfriend.. haiz.. that guy.. Nothing to comment sia.. we waited for Nad to meet us.. so Farhan and me went to TM Mac.. ya.. and we ate sundae hot fudge, fries and apple pie.. it's sinful!!!

argh!~ cant resist the temption.. hahaz.. it's bad!! after that.. we went walking around.. and bought something that we 3 will own together.. just coloured strings.. orange and brown.. and we simply walked the whole TM.. and turn it upside down.. we even go into Toy'R Us.. kekez.. and we walked and walked to isetan.. and.. over there.. we spotted so real nice and sweet necklace.. and.. we bought a necklace for Nad.. yupz.. to cheer our dearest friend up.. recently, she's just been troubled over quarrels after quarrels with her boyfriend..

yupz.. Nad is overjoyed.. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!! YES!! our efforts didnt go to waste.. Nad was really touched and cheered up.. but i'm not.. saw him online just now.. "imfallingforyou.onceagain.[imissyou]".. who's the girl?? Jessica Loh, stop assuming anything.. dont think too much.. me, Nad and Farhan studying tomorrow before we go the intergration camp's workshop.. and.. i cant resist my urge of wanting to ask him.. and.. i talked to him online.. haiz.. 1 week.. it's been a week since i last talked to him.. just cant resist that long.. Jessica, you're real weak..

haiz.. he cant make it.. got archery training for his NUS competition on saturday.. real worried for him.. scared that he got no time to study.. but.. i think he can make it de.. *no worries* he isnt showing that much coldness to me.. at least i feel better ya.. but i really want to know who's the girl he refering to.. just want to know..

almost get something forgetten.. Shakinah and Hazwan both dreamt of me last night!! and it's all bad dreams!! Shakinah dreamt that i had a road accident.. and Hazwan dreamt that i got a fight with him.. it leaves me with the scary feeling the whole day after hearing it from them.. *paranoid* it's just so scary.. alright!! i'm tired!! off to sleep! *orh orh*

[ love you so... ]

[ love you so.... ]

i dont have enough SLEEP.. seriously... yupz.. slept around 11.30pm yesterday.. and i know i will die in class.. cause it's going to be a long day for me... having meeting tonight again at TBSC.. want to catch a sleep on the bus.. but i just cant.. i also dont know why... beside "unforgivable sinner".. got in love with another song by Natalie.. the name of the song is "love you so"... it's a song sent by him.. yupz.. know the reason why i bother to listen?? i dont really love english song that much actually.. but he was the one recommended it..

first lesson of the day.. BIOSCIENCE.. oh man!! what did Ms Tan teached today?? yes!! chain of infection AGAIN.. well.. i'm tired of it.. the whole class was real restless when she repeated her lesson AGAIN and AGAIN.. *yawn* i just feel like dozing off in her class.. but i know.. it's basic respect for the teacher to pay attention.. and FULL ATTENTION..

after bioscience.. went to the locker and take books.. saw him.. real embarrassing.. and i pretended again that i never see him.. well, well, well.. Jessica Loh, how long can you pretend?? haiz.. i dont want it TOO!!

supposed to be nursing studies practical.. but is used for SIM training instead.. Nad just fear to attend SIM training after being scolded the other round by one of the lecturer for SIM training, Mr Tan.. and so unlucky of Aishah today.. she spoke in malay and was screwed upside down today by Mr.Tan.. and that lecturer actually used vulguarities on her.. *bloody hell*.. dun sound nice if it comes out from a lecturer's mouth right?? yupz.. and someone spoilt my mood by asking me to shut up today.. yes.. it's the same old person whom i said "leave your comments to yourself" that day.. i dont want to mention names.. it's not that nice.. leave some face for that thick-skinned person..

after lunch.. we have nursing studies again.. Mdm Qian did the revision for us for our exams.. everyone is so tired and restless.. ya.. it's really tiring.. bio, nursing, nursing then bio again.. real no life.. just repeating the routine everyday.. 3-5pm.. bioscience extra lesson.. finally.. Ms tan is teaching something new.. infection control.. but we actually learnt that in nursing studies also.. that's why this topic is a bit sick to many people le.. yupz.. she gave us early dismissal.. and we regain our freedom at 4pm..

went back with dougles again.. we went to Boon Lay's Jurong Point's ToyR'us to buy the cards on human body de.. after which.. i bought a pancake and old chang kee for dinner.. sound so pathetic not eating a right meal yupz?? but it's also fattening lahz.. old chang kee's food is oily.. and pancake is flour.. after which.. i took bus 30 to TBSC.. passing by the place i used to stay.. Clementi West.. yupz.. our old flat was sold to my uncle actually about 9years again.. and dad bought the flat in Yishun.. the one in which we are staying in now.. but we didnt moved up to Yishun as my uncle was away working in foreign countries.. now that he's back, we returned his flat back to him..

time flies.. i'm been staying in Yishun for more than 1year.. okie.. i can say that i'm adapting quite well.. but mom just dont love this flat at all.. now.. the flat in Clementi West.. Uncle has sold it too.. haiz.. just love the days i'm staying there.. the shops are near.. and we can easily grab hold of bubble tea anytime we want.. it isnt as fang bian staying at yishun.. no wet market here.. no hawker also... the nearest is at chong pang.. i'm a more old-fashioned person.. i DONT xi xin yan jiu... so.. many times, i'm at a loss.. especially coming with relationship..

the ywd leaders meeting tonight is real fulfilling.. many meaningful things were shared.. a song written by GD Ong was also sang.. the title is "ALONE".. alone yet not alone.. u're never alone.. with gohonzon, friends and sisters all around.. live like a SUN, girls!! we arent the MOON that needs the aid of sunlight to SHINE.. we are SUN that brighten up everyone's heart.. real true.. girls out there!! be strong like a SUN!!

managed to catch up with lots of my good friends.. stephanie goh, stephanie lam, ching ching, yi mun, many many more.. and it's so sweet of siyi to wait for me after the meeting.. just wanting to have a word with me.. thanks sweetie!! it's so nice of you!! *hugz*.. yupz.. dont worry!! i'm okie.. just dont want to make myself sound so pathetic and pitiful.. share cab with 3 of my other friends back home.. it's already 11pm when i reached home..real real tired..

[ if you're weak and have strong friends, you will never fail. if you're strong and have weak friends, your mind will be sway ]

[ unforgivable sinner!! ]

[ unforgivable sinner!! ]

it's another day of school today.. Han bought me and Nad sandwiches for breakfast.. thanks Han... though i dont really feel like eating.. but because i know you and Nad really cares for me.. so eat and live for your sake.. starting off the day is the bioscience combined lecture at the MLT.. ya.. heard his voice early morning outside the lecture hall.. when i crying and thinking with Nad and Farhan's company.. i just pretend.. Nad held my hands tight.. and pad on my shoulder.. telling me to be strong.. i cant.. cant stop thinking.. cant stop crying.. especially when i'm alone.. especially when i'm school.. my heart just sanks...

today lecture was conducted by Ms Doris Lim.. one of my favourite teacher.. she's just so pretty.. i just feel bad.. and so uncomfortable.. after crying.. i hate the feeling of having headache.. Red cross also had a powerpoint presentation after our lecture ended.. they actually shows us a slide show.. playing the song : superman.. i almost flood MLT because of that.. when they actually played the song.. when you're sad, the thing you cant do is to listen to music.. all songs will all a sudden turn you emotional and tears will be flowing like tap water...

after bioscience combined lecture.. okie it's bioscience again.. it supposed to be PIE lesson de.. but because it's revision week.. all PIE and SW lessons are taken over either by Ms Tan or Mdm Qian for revision.. i just miss PIE lesson.. i really miss attending Ms Hazel Tay's lesson.. simply love her... you have lightened up class C's life.. i guess it's easy to meet such a great teacher right?? that's real good fortune... ya.. bioscience extra lesson was conducted in PIE classroom.. and it's real BORING.. cause Ms Tan is repeating and repeating on microbiology.. chain of infection.. i close my eyes also can write liao..

but it's her efforts.. cause Hafiz been sick for quite long.. and he missed the lessons.. it's the benefit of the doubt.. well.. she's right.. i want the whole JN0704C to graduate together.. i dont wish to see anyone being left behind.. everyone look so stressed.. especially those who really want to do well.. after lunch was nursing studies theory.. while waiting for Mdm Qian to come.. Hazel recommended this song by Lene Marlin... name of the song is unforgivable sinner.. it's a real nice song.. for those who want to listen.. can tag me.. and i'll send you a softcopy of it.. got the saddening feeling again.. how many times must it arise in a day?? countless.....

3-5pm.. nursing studies practical.. we were asked to don 3M mask.. those used during SARS period.. quite fun actually.. and got an easy dimissal.. yupz.. finally.. on monday somemore.. but i dont get to go home early.. yupz.. i'm going for a meeting.. at jurong kaikan.. so.. me and dougles actually took mrt together.. we walked to simei and took mrt.. along the way.. poor him.. listen to all my grumbles.. now.. i reall know who are my true.. i really have a great bunch of friends.. thanks for being there for me always.. dougles is right.. sometimes we just have to be more cautious with who we make friends with..

BUT.... i'm the STUPID type.. i think everyone i meet will be the greatest people on earth.. and believe innocently that everyone has a good heart.. especially my friends.. BUT.. i was wrong.. and it's been many incidents that proved that my thinking is wrong.. HOWEVER.. i just cant make myself to believe it.. i believe in treating everyone with a true heart.. not even doubting his/her motive of making friends with me.. i'm sure that friends i met dont come into my life coincidentally.. we are destined to be friends.. and cherish every single of them..

ya.. meet shirley at boon lay for dinner before we go for the meeting.. yupz.. i had Long John Silver for dinner.. OH MAN!!! it's so fattening.. well.. going to cut down my food for tomorrow after eating so much oily food today.. haiz.. sinful!! *sobx sobx* ya.. we chatted and ate our dinner.. i know it's not a good habit.. cause later our larynx never close then we will get choke.. cause the food goes into out airway.. wahahaz.. bioscience revision in my blog.. heez=]

was pretty tired but still managed to conquer over my sansho shima and come for the meeting.. saw many friends when i was at the lobby area in the centre.. yupz.. most excitied to see xueyun da jie.. yeah.. she said i really slim down a bit.. and ask me to jiayou!! YES!! i will de!! dont worry.. that's one of my short term goal! saw auntie nancy, auntie sherley too.. all of them are real happy to see me.. after MIA-ing for more than 2 months i guess.. wahahaz.. yup.. and i went for the meeting in nursing uniform.. all of them commented that i looked great in that.. thanks for all the compliments!!

after the meeting, mom and dad suggested to take a cab home.. yupz.. at reach home at 10pm sharp.. real tired.. tomorrow is another long day.. *yawn*

[ illusion filled my life!! ]

[ illusion filled my life!! ]

sunday again.. a bit sianz of the routinue of monday to sunday.. then sunday to another monday.. yupz.. seriously sick.. sick of the routine type of life.. cant it be a bit more flexible?? yupz.. starting from tomorrow.. it's revision week.. Jessica Loh, endure through the one more pathetic week and you will get to REST!!

just had my breakfast.. i know it's quite late huh.. but that's normal on sundays.. i usually sleep till at least 10plus.. my eyes need to rest real a lot nowadays.. during weekdays.. i'll sleep as early as 9pm.. ya.. i cry a lot.. and that's why last time people used to call me crybaby.. and that's why my eyes are tired.. plus all the lectures and stuff.. it's exhausting!! tomorrow onwards, no more PIE class, no more SW as well.. so......... it's all on nursing studies and bioscience.. i will go crazy i think.. continue mugging..

couldnt finish my breakfast.. my favourite fishball gui tiao.. i only managed to finish half a bowl of it.. ya.. my appetite is getting from bad to worse.. i can dont eat yet i go to the toilet.. as like i can dont drink yet i still can urinate.. Jessica Loh's immune system is just so different from the rest.. something is wrong.. ya.. just dont feel like eating.. not that i'm wont get hungry.. sometimes i'll get really hungry that my stomach makes noise.. but when i bought the food, after one mouth or two of it, i just feel like puking naturally.. i also dont know what went wrong.. is it because i got the mindset in my sub conscious mind that i want to loss weight??

i have no idea.. no idea of what's happening around me.. blockage somehow... tomorrow and tuesday.. got meeting to attend somemore.. haiz.. i'll be real tired.. cause school only ends at 5pm.. i have no chance to go back and take a shower and change my uniform out.. just have to go straight from school.. and it's in the west area somemore.. sure die.. predicting i'll be only home after 11pm.. oh man!! how to do revision like that?? as for wednesday and thursday, i'll end school at 5pm as well..

it's no longer like secondary school.. i skipped 3 weeks of school just to study for my o'level.. end up.. the results still sucks like dont know what.. it's because of relationship.. mom is right.. i should have listen to you.. relationship turns my life upside down.. and filled my life with illusion.. stop DAY-DREAMING le Jessica Loh.. you have enough of all these shit!! what you want is ETERNAL HAPPINESS.. NOT SHORT-TERM HAPPINESS.. dont get satisfied so easily over all the SHORT-TERM HAPPINESS.. it will makes you go HAY-WIRED...

ya.. when you fall, learn the pain and stand on your feets again.. I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET.. REGRET for your ENTIRE LIFE.. and i'm going to leave my hands off your life.. it's got nothing to do with me.. PEACE.. is all i asked for.. just so simple.. i'm just a SIMPLE girl who's asking for a SIMPLE LIFE!! no more WEEPING.. no more TEARING.. no more CRYING.. soon.. my blood will clot.. and no more BLEEDING... "HEAL the world, make it a better day, for you and for me and the entire human race..." just a sudden.. thought of this song by MICHAEL JACKSON..

yupz.. i'm going for a shower now.. and start my mugging!!!! *mugging*

just finished watching "wei xiao pasta".. i cried.. so touching!! yupz.. true love is forever not smooth sailing.. it will haunt your entire life.. making you really exhausted and tired.. STOP all the unneccsary nonsense!! i want to CONCENTRATEeeeeeeeeeeee.........


[ GIVING UP doesnt mean you're WEAK. it only means that you're STRONG enough to LET GO!! ]

just wanna do some copyright stuff.. saw this from a friend's blog.. he feels how i am feeling now.......

Why have you changed so much?
Where is the "you" that i've first knew ?
Who are you now?
When will you really be at your happiest?
What can i do now?
How will our future be?
perhaps for me, i could only look back.
always thinking of the things we did together.
why we cried together
why we laugh together.
it is very disheartening to know that the one you loved,
has somehow perished?
i could still feel ur touch,
remember the words u said.
But how much are u for me?
maybe thanks for ur cold shoulder all these while?
the saddest feeling is that u know even if u are dead today,
she wont even know or bother to know.
because no matter what u have done for her,
they are all taken for granted and forgotten.
saddening right?? i admire his courage.. he dared to write out how he feel.. this is how i am feeling now......
harbour happy thoughts than to think of how to be happy.
Being happy and Being contented is two different Thing.
Many of us are happy yet uncontented.
and when ure uncontented, ur happiness is not fully manifested.
when ure contented, happiness comes flowing like water.
we often look and search too far and neglect about the ones around us.
"when you love someone too deeply theres bound to be agony. "
these are all written by the same friend of mine..... really true right?

[ let e BRAIN do e THINKING, NOT e HEART ANYMORE!! ]

[ let e BRAIN do e THINKING, NOT e HEART ANYMORE!! ]~*

saturday... yupz.. weekends has come.. which means the next weekdays will come soon.. *sobx* wakey quite early today.. i set my alarm to 9am.. but woke up many times.. first was because mom woke up at 5.15 for work.. second round was because dad woke up for work.. then comes the third time.. didi woke up at 8am for his soccer training.. yupz.. after all, i'm just trying to say it's NOISE POLLUTION that wakes me up.. was already fully awake at 8.30am.. though i just feel like lying down till 9am..

then... i brushed my teeth as usual.. rationale people?? it's to make sure my mouth and teeth stay clean and fresh.. hahaz.. sound like nursing studies test question.. heez.. my mood is quite good actually AT FIRST.. but i just love making myself sadden by things i'm not supposed to hear.. and not supposed to see.. yupz.. sadden because i'm just want to find out what happened to what he said yesterday.. sound chim.. but it's okie.. it's for me to know NOT for you to find out.. it's her.. i knew it.. i just dont want my instinct to make the conclusion for me.. but.. true enough.. my instinct is RIGHT..

i cried.. cried really badly in front of the computer... and luckily.. no one is at home.. if not, i'll end up undergoing investigation by my parents and brother.. i sms Nad immediately.. i told her.. i just feel like killing myself.. for being such a fool.. for comforting and encouraging him when he actually worries and got affected so much about the incident that happens.. end up, the person is her.. you made her angry by doing something wrong.. and worried so much how she's feeling.. yupz.. true.. you must be concern for your friends whom you cherish.. the EXTRAs... just let it be transparent then...

Jessica Loh, why must you make youself sound so PITIFUL?? why must you make yourself sound so STUPID?? where's the IGNORANCE you should have?? Nad, you're right!! i should have listen to you... and stop all the things i'm doing for him.. and stop all the unneccessary concern for him.. cause.. it's not worthwhile.. it's not being appreciated..

hmmm... after which.. i left house with that saddening feeling to meet ramlan and fara for the project work.. supposed to meet at 11am at Jurong East mrt control.. and i'm like 20mins early.. ramlan reached 10mins later than me.. and fara.. she's late.. for more than 30mins.. end up.. ramlan and me went JE Entertainment Centre's Mac to eat.. i want to eat big breakfast so badly.. but.. too bad.. ramlan got the last share.. so.. i ate Mcspicy meal instead.. like so long never eat it liao.. always eat Mcnuggets meal..

at 11.30am.. our dear fara finally appear.. so the 3 of us went to JE library instead.. cause Nad, Farhan, Hazwan, Rahmah, Izzah and Siti small is there.. went to catch some fun.. and that cute fara.. she smuggled coke into library.. wahahaz.. end up, we cant do anything.. cause fara's laptop cant read my cd.. i stored all the information in Microsoft Word Processor.. and it's like not all laptop has that program.. haiz.. what a waste of the trip..

they went to have long john.. and again.. as usual.. Nad and Farhan have to listen to my grumbles.. getting sick of it huh.. ears bleeding everyday.. i also very sianz.. *tired* ... went to queue up with Farhan to buy food for Nad and himself..Farhan asked me a question.. "have you thought of asking him if he really likes you?" well. i thought of actually.. but i dont think it's neccessary now already.. he's the one who let me go.. so be it ba!! and Nad... quarrelled with her boyfriend again.. what the hell!! got such a good girlfriend still dont know how to cherish.. are you sure you own a brain??

haiz.. i'm really sadden to see Nad emo.. i guess Farhan feel the same as well?? we took 51 to Ayer Rajah CC for the interact club's CIP.. yupz.. i just tagged along for fun.. we are late.. cause waited for Izzah and small Siti to buy things.. while waiting patiently for the bus to come.. Vin called Hazwan.. and that stupid Hazwan told Vin that our bus broke down.. wahahaz.. think Vin only born yesterday.. will believe his words.. STUPID.. it just takes us not more than 10mins to reach our destination.. and we are late..

yupz.. Izzah and Fara tagged along too.. just for the fun of it.. our first job - to give out flyers to neighbouring estate.. Farhan, Nad and Hazwan were given the honour.. but i just tagged along.. kpo kpo a bit.. luckily i went with them.. mostly the eldery people are chinese spoken.. so i saved them!! hahaz.. after which i also dont know how i managed to spend the 4hours time in that cc.. just do some carrying of chairs at the end of the eye screening session, and attended talks.. and gossip a bit here and there.. and crazy us (Farhan, Nad, Hazwan and me) start taking pictures here and there..

i kind of dislike the treasury of the Interact club.. she sound bossy.. yupz.. but quite friendly actually.. luckily i'm out there with my classmates.. if i'm alone at home, i also dont know what will i do to hurt myself.. and that will another STUPID thing... after the CIP session was over, me, Nad and Farhan went to beach road.. Farhan wants to get a pair of new shoes for school.. and my naggy mom called again.. horning me again as usual.. well.. Nad and me got the same thinking.. we arent young anymore moms.... at least be glad that we dont crave for drugs, we dont smoke and we dont got clubbing.. just a bunch of cute sweet girls who love some shopping and sharing of secrets.. hahaz.. be grateful for that moms!!!

after that.. we walked to bugis.. in the midst of walking.. we chatted our way through.. i told Nad and Han.. i want to SLIM DOWN.. i've been saying that for so long.. it's time for REAL ACTION.. yupz.. i want to make those heartless idiots regret.. regret for all the things you have done to turn me into the me today.. reassure.. you will regret for your entire life!! *evil laugh*

i want to take a bus home from there.. and thanks Farhan and Nad.. it's so sweet of u guys to wait for the bus with me!!LOVE YOU GUYS the MOST!! yupz.. so much unnecessary events happened today.. and we end up not getting any time and chance to study.. and.. i'll be locked at home during weekends.. yee!! it's GROUND at home.. tomorrow.. i'll stay home to study.. *guai guai* a bit..

yupz.. want to get online just now to send Fara the information for the project.. and my hands get itchy.. went to look at his msn nick.. ya.. it got me sadden AGAIN.. i'm just easily AFFECTED.. "iloveyoursmile".. that was his msn nick.. he used to say this to me.. i want to bluff myself that it's refering to me.. but somehow.. I CANT do it!! my instinct tells me.. it's HER again.. ya.. my love rival.. thanks for taking him away from me.. maybe what xueyun da jie say is right.. gohonzon just gave you a hint before you guys even progress to another stage.. he's not your MR RIGHT.. that's what da jie says.. yupz.. i should listen to her.. let my brain do the thinking and not my heart anymore..

from tonight onwards.. i'm going to work towards my goal.. study well.. and SLIM DOWN.. my short term goal.. I'm COMING!!! off the sleep.. my eyes are tired...........

[ Maria ave Maria!! ]

[ Maria ave Maria!! ]

it's friday.. counting down.. 9 more days to final exams.. oh no!! Jessica Loh, you're running of time!! ya.. i slept at 11plus yesterday.. and today morning.. i'm just like a zombie.. i'm so TIRED.. physically and psychiologically... had our nursing studies at lab 29 today.. and got to know our nursing studies combined results for phase test 1, class test 1 and phase test 2... i got 76.. it's an B... just 4marks away from A.. so.. i just need to put in MORE efforts in my final year to attain an A.. can de!! u can do it, Jess!!

influenced by 200 pounds beauty.. practically everyone in my class are now crazy over the song : "Maria"... everywhere you go.. you will hear people singing : "Maria ave Maria....." *addicted*... hohoho.. thanks to me.. bluetooth here bluetooth there.. my mood is spoilt today.. and almost everyday without fail.. what the hell??!?? and this time round.. by a close friend.. i dont want to mention names.. it's not nice.. a bunch of us were late for lesson after the 10mins break given by Mdm Qian.. and that asshole say : "cher, punish them lahz".. and i shouted across the class: " keep your comments to yourself..." for the first time, i have such reaction.. Mdm Qian actually stared at me with that shocking look..

really disappointed.. that phrase of words come out from someone i'm quite close to.. what's wrong with your brain?? yupz.. sometimes, the way you speaks tells others how mature you are.. bloody shit!!!!! well.. i'm in a bad mood.. pms-ing.... ARGH!~ my nerves just tighten so easily nowadays.. i cant control my temper, my emotions.. my world is upside down now!!!!

after which.. it's bioscience lesson.. Ms Tan went through the test paper with us.. ya.. at that very moment, i'm still telling myself.. how did i got an A?? so ridiculous!!! my hands are itchy.. really feel like sms-ing him.. but.. i held back... just trying not to be so soft-hearted.. but i cant help.. to worry.. and to think of his well-being.. went back together with hazel today.. finally got someone go to tampines with me.. this whole week.. i go back everyday alone sia.. cause.. Nad and Farhan got their interact club things on.. well.. had a great talk with Hazel.. she's really nice.. well.. our subject just cant be lack of that "problem".. as usual lahz huh..

went home quite early today.. mom bought me sushi.. *yum yum*... after which.. i got my hair dried and went to sleep.. *oink* just tired.. lack of sleep.. *yawn* .. wakey.. and saw him online.. didnt want to talk to him actually.. but saw his msn nick.. was pretty worried.. and TALKED to him.. yupz.. just want him to live happily.. something about archery happened again.. ya.. he will just get worked up over archery stuff only.. and he made his close friend angry.. might be her.. who knows?!?

you're worried and hope that friend of yours wont be angry anymore.. when you do this to me, when you hurted me, have you spare a thought for me?? do you even remembered what you said and what you promised?? "i wont want to hurt you... if you're sad, i'll be the first to cry..etc".. this is all bull shit now.. it's just a blank cheque that will never meet.. i'm crying.. tears flow not only from my eyes.. but from my heart.. do you know it??

well.. i'm just too SOFT-HEARTED.. i know it clearly.. that can be a strength as well as a weakness.. that's why i easily bullied.. even pinwen also say that.. so does him.. but.. somehow, human beings are just too forgetful.. and tends to give lots of empty promises.. well.. i'm in my lala land.. with all the empty promises surrounded..

how come i forgive people so easily?? even when they stabbed me deep into my heart.. the person who got my heart melted was the one who make it bleed profusely now.. i want to pick myself up once again.. but along this way.. i tripped and fall badly.. especially this time round.. i never want my life to be disturbed.. want to concentrate fully.. but.. you came into my simple life.. and get my frozen heart melted.. and thanks to you.. i do enjoy short term happiness..but now.. my life is no longer peaceful.. many distraction and disturbance... till i think it's getting out of my hands, out of my control.. thanks huh..

holidays... please come faster.. after which.. i wont see you.. till 3months later.. and i'll miss my classmates i guess.. cause.. my best buds wont be in e same hospital attachment as me i guess... haiz.. well.. BREAK is all i need!!! let me SCREAM and SHOUT!!!~

[ hakuna matata!!! ]

[ hakuna matata!!! ]

it's thursday.. yupz.. so fast.. 1 week coming to an end le.. and.. countdowning to my exams..

early morning waking up.. saw Hazel's sms.. ya.. she told me she saw yuan yesterday near her house.. this sick guy was absent from school but he went for archery shoot.. somemore till 10plus still outside.. i really asked Hazel lots of questions about him.. till Hazel gets curious and feel weird how come i dont know anything about him and what's happening to him.. ya.. i told Hazel that both of us arent really on talking term now.. just even worse than hi-and-bye friends.. things are getting out of hands.. haiz..

Hazel really gets very worked up towards the way he treats me.. everyone around me keep saying that he's heartless.. and say that i did so much things for him yet what i get in return it's this kind of treatment.. well.. it's okie.. i dont ask for any return when i help anyone.. sound so noble right?? but painful de is myself.. it's okie.. i still think that his well-being is the most important.. more important than anything.. he happy think i'll live happier too..

early morning.. something just turn my mood upside down... yupz.. imagine you have put in your heart and soul to help someone copy notes when the person is absent.. it's okie not to say thank you.. but please.. dont say anything that hurts someone's feelings.. yupz.. that was what i faced.. thanks huh.. make myself sound as though i'm the biggest FOOL on earth..

hmmm.. today.. we simply flood ourselves with bioscience.. Ms Tan continued her lessons on microbiology.. yupz.. i just cannot concentrate after the early morning incident.. was talking to Farhan in the midst of Ms Tan's lesson when Ms Tan was explaining the "card game" to the class.. i weeped all of a sudden... and so unluckily.. Ms Tan saw it.. she came to me and asked if i'm okie.. i told her i'm alright.. that's the only limit i can say.. i am definitely not okie..

after bioscience lesson.. we have our very last PIE lesson with Ms Hazel Tay.. and........ we watched 200pounds beauty!!!! ya.. it's a korean movie with english subtitles.. pretty funny.. it really cheers up my mood at first.. but as it goes by.. it become more saddening.. and i cried.. cried really badly.. ya.. close friends of mine should know that i'm the super emotional type.. i cried not just because the movie is touching lahz.. but because it really sound like me..

the main actor really makes the main actress so upset.. she really did lots of things because of him.. he was her point of living.. without him, her life will just be like plain water.. tasteless and meaningless.. because of him, she MIA for a year just for the plastic surgery.. touching huh!! havent watch it?? better go rent the disc.. you will have NO REGRETS!!! "Hakuna Matata" was the quote inside Lion King.. and it's the main actress Kang Hanna's favourite in the movie also.. It means no worries for the rest of the days.. cute right??

my eyes are really red.. and i think i shocked the whole class with my emotional side of me.. ya.. i'm still adapting to the problem... before i left the class, Ms Tay came up to me.. and asked if i'm okie.. ya.. all i can say is that i'm okie.. and she gave me a hug.. thanks for that Ms Tay.. you're really a nice teacher.. had thousand island chicken rice today.. as usual.. cannot finish the food.. and i simply dont taste anything while eating it.. yupz.. i just cant control my emotions.. i cant help.. i do feel pressurized too..

last friday.. when the incident takes place.. i almost feel like looking for Mdm Qian and tell her i want to atreat from the course.. so stupid of me to think this way right?? those friends who see this, i know you guys feel like killing me.. but i cant help by thinking negatively!!!

3-5pm.. we had another bioscience lesson again.. ya.. thursday is all bioscience lesson.. Ms Tan told us our bioscience test 2 results.. she asked us one by one to go take a look at the marks.. yupz.. this time round i did slightly better than the first test.. first test was 38.5/50.. it's a B.. now is 40/50.. an A.. hahaz.. say truthfully.. for those have saw my previous entries of my blog.. you guys should know i cannot concentrate that day when i was studying for the bioscience test 2.. lolx.. this is call heng.. i can pass and get A somemore.. actually when i first saw the test script.. i got no confidence at all.. just blind my way through based on memory.. and praying very hard that i can pass.. YES!!! I MADE IT!!

tired.. really tired.. didnt see him around during ITE Care session.. think he's out for competition or something ba.. he wont be in school tomorrow also.. having his outpatient appointment after the collapse incident in school.. well.. just praying hard that he will be okie.. am talking to Xueyun now.. she knew what happened to me and him liao.. and she's cursing and scolding like dont know what.. sorry da jie.. because of me, you create kou ye.. bad karma huh... er jie also know part of it liao.. well.. what to do?? bad news spread faster than good ones..

i think i really got lots of people to thank.. xueyun da jie, yvonne er jie, eunice jie jie, carys, willie, pinwen, siyi..... and from school side.. Nad, Farhan, Vin, Hazel.. thanks guys.. thanks for comforting me when i really need to.. thanks a lot.. because of you guys, i'll work harder!!! JIAYOU!~

[ black and white ]

black and white

well.. it's wednesday.. so fast.. about 8weeks has passed.. yupz.. and i'm gonna be having my revision week next week to prepare myself for my exams.. yupz.. it's this sickening big word that turn my life upside down.. EXAMS... well.. i know it's time i do something to my studies.. i'm been doing quite well in my theory test paper.. but arent really do that well in my practical.. especially during my second phase test which took place last tuesday.. yeah.. i was sick.. and quite sick till my class advisor also chasing me home..

but what's e point of crying over spilled milk?? it's meaningless, Jessica Loh.. i was having a terrible backache after the hyper-pyrexia.. and was having cold sweat.. and all these come just to "right" time.. in the midst of my test.. well.. let's not talk about it.. now is time to have some rescue work.. yupz... rescue work.. need to do my VERY VERY BEST in my exam so that i can pull up my GPA.. YES.. I WANT AN "A" PLEASE.............. will it just drop from sky?? dont day-dream le, Ms Loh.. it's not gonna happen...

as usual.. all lesson today was on nursing studies.. 8am - 10am, we had SIM training.. ya.. bad mouth of me and Nad.. we were saying that we havent been chosen to be the nurse before.. so.. so LUCKY of us.. both of us got our WISH granted!!!! haiz.. but it wasnt a good turn out.. i practically screw everything.. Nad oso.. the teacher even shouted at her.. she was just so upset and angry over it!! but what to do?? luckily, she cheered up after a while.. if not, me and Farhan sure become EMO kids..

after which.. from 10am to 12pm.. it was nursing studies theory.. poor Mdm Qian waited for the class to set in SLOWLY as we were dismissed 10minutes late from class and waited for them to cat walk in SLOWLY.. then.. here comes her scolding.. well.. i tink somehow we need that to be waken up with our purpose of coming into this course.. yesterday.. 7students were absented from class.. and 1 return home after attending 2hrs lesson.. cos she vomited.. among 7students who are absent.. many were good friends.. and i think many of them had menstruction and had menstrual cramps.. so they didnt go for doctor consultation.. just have panadol and stay home to rest..

somehow.. this is the most ridiculous excuse you can ever heard of.. menstrual cramp.. what so big deal about it?? girls have it every month.. i agreed to the fullest to what Mdm Qian had said.. she said: "Everytime you have your period and develop menstrual cramp, you must take MC to rest.. Are you going to do that when you go for attachment?? Are you going to do that when you become an enrolled nurse?? then who's gonna take care my patients??" i think she really sound rationale and reasonable huh.. it's not a big deal.. just learn how to prevent it.. or at least reduce the pain.. drink less cold drinks.. take less spicy or sour food.. eat panadol maybe before your period gonna come.. or simply apply hot pain to your abdominal areas to reduce the pain..

well.. well.. well.. BWG!! after our break.. we had combined lecture for nursing studies at the MLT.. didnt see yuan around.. and found out later that he was sick.. hmm.. what's e least i can do?? help him copy notes lohz.. his classmates are just so inconsiderate bunch of people.. they dont care how people who absent can cope with lessons they missed.. all they care is whether they themselves can promote to a higher level, whether they can do well in their studies or not.. yes.. i know it's not my problem.. he isnt my classmate.. just a normal friend.. but he's my peer study friend.. so, i wont allow myself to dump my friend when i myself can cope with my studies.. i want to help.. help as much as i can.. and that's me!!

after which.. was PE lesson.. oh.. should say SW (sports and wellness).. sound more high-class... wahahaz(o^.^o).. i'm supposed to retake my NAFA test today de.. but.. seeing my condition now.. i dont really want to worsen it.. my injuried leg is still swollen!! after 3weeks.... and my turn lohz.. having stomach cramp.. and backache.. i didnt bring the appropriate shoe wear also.. so... the teacher didnt let me take the 2.4km run!!! YES YES YES!!! luckily dont need to run..

Nad accompany me to go buy water.. and i drank cold milo.. feel like dying faster.. got stomach cramp still taking cold drinks.. really deserve to die faster.. but who cares!?! the weather is hot.. and i'm WARM!! hahaz.. and was having some causal talk with Nad.. somehow our topic always revolve around that "problem".. and Nad actually commented that it's really heartless.. haiz.. wat to do??!?? i just have to face it and gradually accept it.. meanwhile.. let me be the emo kid!!!!!

well.. some things just cannot be forced.. we just have to understand this simple logic.. i think i'm still surviving and coping on it.. yupz.. i'm still ALIVE.. that's what my friends should be happy about.. the bubbly jessica never die.. just having a hard time.. my life is now black and white!! someone!!! please get it COLOURED!!!!

went home straight after the SW lesson ended.. yupz.. mom's home today.. i had a cold shower today.. not really because the weather is hot.. i just want to waken my brain cells with the cold feeling.. yes!! please dont be dead!! all my brain cells seems to be dying after the cells in my heart died last week.. die die die.. soon.. i'll be a dead person huh.. CANNOT!! i know very clearly i mustnt let this happen.. AWAKEN ME PLEASE!!~

" What's the point of going to sleep when there's no point in waking up??"

[ ignorance !! ]

[ ignorance!! ]

today morning.. I SIMPLY just dont feel like getting out of bed.. all I can say is.. I FORCED myself to CLIMB out of my bed sia.. I dont know how I managed to do it.. but I SUCCEEDED!! well.. as usual lohz.. same old routine.. bath liao then pray.. then tidy my precious hair and out i go for school... the moment i step out of the house, i told myself.. "jessica loh, you must be different today.. everything is gonna be alright!!"

I want to have a short nap in the bus.. but i cant.. i also dont know why.. Jessica Loh.. you sound weird today.. well.. it's okie.. nobody will cares if you are or you are not.. as usual.. reach school around 7 like that.. and waited patiently for Farhan, Nad and Shiffa to come.. had a cup of COLD milo and a bread.. FREEZE to death.. so cold after drinking the milo.. then.. we made our way to MLT... our BIOSCIENCE paper.. i'm COMING!! saw him actually.. and saw him looking my way.. Jessica loh, you just too good in pretending.. i pretended.. pretended not to see him..

oh man!!! the paper is pretty easy.. but say truthfully.. i got no confidence at all.. oh man!! DIE.. just so scared that I will fail my test.. if test fail, exams really will die.. after which.. is PIE lesson lohz.. we are given a special task.. to write positive comments to our classmates.. it seems like last day of school... how i wish this day can come faster.. *day-dreaming* well well well.. it's good to day dream once in a while huh... lolx.. we really had a great time doing it.. really have lots of great comments.. thanks guys!~

after lunch break.. was nursing studies theory... *yawn* the whole class is dozing off... after all the midnight oil yesterday.. i'm so tired.. after theory.. it's practical.. tired!!!!! saw him actually.. got detention.. last tuesday late for class.. so bad of me again.. i pretended not to see him again and pretend to be really concentrated with what the teachers are saying... oh man!!

Jessica Loh.. how can you do this?? i dont bear to.. but i cant help it.. that's e only resolute i have.. he walked past my class so many times.. and everytime.. i PRETENDED.. how long can i PRETEND?? 2 years of my life in ite?? am i going to do that?? is this gonna work?? is this gonna lessen the pain?? i really hate myself.. i really hate to pretend.. but i just cant help it!!!

went back with farhan today.. we walked to bus 10 bus stop.. so long never go back with him alone le.. always got nad tagging.. and i always throw them aside and go back with yuan.. really talk a lot with him today.. he said he saw him looking at me.. but i just pretended not to see him.. very ke wu right?? very chan ren right?? i know i am.. but i want to lessen my pain.. want to reduce the chance of getting hurt.. well.. if he really cares, i wont be in such a state now...

went see see walk walk shop shop with farhan at tampines.. and i ate mac's sundae hot fudge.. ice-cream helps me forget my worries for the moment.. it helps me reduce stress!! but how effective can this method be this time round?? it dont seems to take effect.. and has upset my stomach instead!! soon.. my taste bud will be lost.. i know it for sure.. well well well.. It's e HEALING process.........................

let my ignorance rawks on!!!!!