* jiu shi wo *

[ jiu shi wo ]

*it's mi of cos.. lolx.. haiz.. it's sundae again.. goin 4 gakkai stuff ltr again.. but tis time round.. haiz.. ah cat cannot make it again.. *sad*.. haiz.. i'm realli troubled.. troubled wif a probz tat i cant anyhow voice out 2 any1.. e worse thingy is tat.. my parents r e ones who cannot noe tis.. haiz.. how?? who shld i trust?? who can voice tis 2?? i'm goin 2 suffocate soon.... i dunoe when i will collapse soon liao le.. if i tell my parents, he will nv trust mi again.. tink tis will make thingys worse.. he wun voice out 2 mi.. i wun noe how he's gettin liao..

how bad can he b?? y he doesnt hav 2 wisdom 2 tink?? luckily.. he got e wisdom 2 let mi noe.. tat's e worse part.. it's givin mi headache.. goin 2 faint soon.. i'm late again.. late by one dae onli.. i tot of registerin 4 o'lvl private again.. i wanna give myself a last chance 2 study harder.. but e registration is close.. close yesterdae.. haiz.. i'm givin up.. i'm realli tired.. y is every1 pressurizin mi??

i jus finished my german course.. guess i'll fly any time.. 13hrs of flight 2 germany.. how i wish i'm not cumin back.. haiz.. i wanna hide.. i wanna run away.. run away.. i dun wanna face e fact.. dun wanna face e truth.. dun wanna b in e situation i am in now.. do u noe how i gettin on? do u noe how i push myself thru?? thru cheatin myself.. pian yi tian guo yi tian.........

y mus i sound so pathetic?? y?? c da jie(steph) filled wif happiness bein wif jie fu.. c xiu juan jie wif jiefu 4 almost 4 yrs.. i'm jus so envy.. haiz.. i oso need sum1 2 care 4 mi ar.. y i alwaz meet e wrong guy?? those i met.. they r jus nt truthworthy enough.. got 1 even step 2 boats at 1 time.. it's so hurtin.. if nv flower-heart means wanna zhan you mi.. i'm a human bein ar.. nt an object ar.. relationship thingy is yong you.. not zhan you ar.. i'm tired.......................................................................................

guess i'm alive again!!!!!!!!!

[ guess i'm alive again ]

hmmm... was doin my tagboard jus now.. changed 3 times.. kaoz.. kept givin probz.. i oso dunoe whether frenz tag mi or not.. haiz.. stupid blog.. went 2 read ah yun's blog jus now.. n left lotsa tag entries 4 her.. lolx.. dun sae i nv tag u worz.. hahaz.. who is ah yun?? 4 those who dunoe.. she is my best bud.. lolx.. haiz.. guess wat i'm doin now.. i jus taken my breakfast.. n i'm listenin 2 e cd 2 learn my gongyo.. haiz.. cos frenz of mine kept askin mi 2 learn gongyo asap.. includin my parents of cos.. hmmm.. especiall benny lohz.. sms mi oso ask mi do gongyo.. lolx.. mayb can show u sumthingy interestin..since i got my own digital camera.. lolx.. hahaz..but now camera chargin.. low batt..



(( my name written on e envelope ))
( guess is written by benny)


(( e cover page of my bdae card ))


(( greetings written by melvin 2 mi ))


(( greetings written by benny 2 mi ))


(( greetings written by stephanie 2 mi ))


(( greetings written by jiafeng 2 mi ))

see e difference btw e 4 greetings write by them ma?? lolx.. 3 of them ask mi learn gongyo.. so i promised them liao so i mus learn!!!!

hmmm.. 4 frenz concern abt my situation now.. okie.. i'm studyin basic german course now.. havin my very last lesson next week.. not intendin 2 take intermediate now.. cos no time le.. need 2 1/2 months 2 complete e course.. i dun hav time le.. not bcos i'm goin 2 mati.. but i'm germany le.. should b goin switzerland n western part of germany.. mus organize farewell party 4 mi worz.. lolx.. kiddin onli.. not goin veri long oso..

on fridae.. which is e 17th of tis month.. a grp of visitors came 2 my company.. n my boss actuall instructed my manager 2 send mi 2 e helicheck.. okie.. helicheck is a machine used by e QC 2 check e tools.. it is e machine bought from germany.. cost a lot.. lolx.. n i'm goin germany 4 training under tis machine.. it is computerized n needs setting.. n lotsa setting itself in e machine is in german lanaguage.. so.. no chance hav 2 learn german.. guess mayb i oso got chance 2 go overseas like my dad for yrs.. he once work in japan, china n switzerland.. 4 yrs.. companies in switzerland even send their pple 2 cum spore 2 hire my dad 2 work in switzerland..

i nv noe tat my dad is so great.. i noe all those from my boss.. he saes.. my dad can work overseas 4 yrs alone.. so he believe i oso can.. when my dad work in china.. he n my mom alread registered their marriage.. in yr 1981.. if my dad nv go overseas.. now i tink i'll b in my 20s liao le.. lolx.. hahaz.. sound so old 2 mi.. heez.. n i wont b able 2 noe such a great bunch of frenz.. n i wun bcum e alumni of soka kinder.. belongin 2 e 1st batch of soka kinder students.. i feel realli realli proud of myself.. heez.. n i'm realli glad tat i'm fortune baby..

i had been feelin depressed 4 e past few weeks.. cos havin headache n feel giddy veri often.. mayb bcos i'm slightly low blood.. dun believe rite?? i look so strong.. tat's was e past lahz.. cos last time in npcc ma.. alwaz jog n do exercises.. now.. sleepin oso no time.. on workin daes.. i onli sleep 5 to 6 hrs plus onli.. can u imagine tat?? so everydae work like vampire.. haiz.. no choice lahz..

2dae is sundae.. yet i woke up at 8.. but bcos i goin back 2 company 4 overtime.. not bcos under my block.. they havin community centre events.. ahhhhhhhhhhh.. so noisy.. actuall intend 2 slp till 12 noon de.. lolx.. if i noe so noisy.. i would hav wakey early n go 2 senja or telok blangah n do mornin daimoku n gongyo.. haiz.. i sae in march i wanna go.. but 4 2 sundaes.. i nv go.. cos no1: i'm jus too tired.. no2: nobodi pei mi go.. my mom hav 2 work.. my dad works too.. even if he dun, i wun choose goin chantin wif him.. he will jus nag n nag thru out e journey.. my bro.. even worse.. he dun cum out 4 activites de.. lazy pig.. onli go 4divison meetin monthly onli.. cos he same han as my dad.. no choice.. so tat's bein forced.. n he nv join ndp too.. cos he havin n'level tis yr.. lolx.. 2 of my reasons.. i noe they sounds more like excuses..

hey.. any soka frenz who saw my tis entries.. wanna pei mi go?? lolx.. even if u wanna go tampines de.. i oso can pei.. at least sum1 wif mi i'll feel more secure.. i got a veri bad habit.. i dun like 2 attend meetings alone.. i'm jus afraid of loneliness.. realli afraid.. so when 2 of my gd sistas.. stephanie n catherine graduated from fd 2 sd.. i nv attend fd meetings le.. now.. i'm not schoolin at e moment.. but attends sd meetin wif steph ard.. if not of her.. i'll b dislocate wif gakkai activites le..

last yr i had an operation.. after then.. 4 e 1 yr's time.. i havin been slpin.. not realli in2 practicin.. feel so guilty.. after stephy's bdae celebration.. she's been askin out 4 activites.. n on tat dae itself.. i oso noe 2 great frenz.. benny n melvin.. though they dun belongs 2 west region RHQ4.. lolx.. but guess i'll b gettin away west region activites le.. dunoe if i shld change a district.. i'm shiftin hse.. movin 2 our own flat i yishun soon le.. haiz.. in april i tink.. haiz.. cumin 4 RHQ4 activites will b a tough challenge 4 mi.. n my district.. majority r eldery.. they r cantonese spoken.. though i'm a cantonese n doesnt face a probz in speakin my dialect..

but e probz is my district isnt active at all.. includin my leaders.. especiall my ywd leader.. she havin lotsa of probz recently.. n she arent doin her part in askin mi out 4 activties.. hmmm.. she will sms mi informin mi of activties 4 e ywd.. but i nv c her attendin.. she alwaz havin personal stuffs n tight up wif work.. how will e member b active if e leader herself/himself isnt active?? as 4 my ymd leader.. he isnt callin his onli 2 ywd.. n tat' s e reason y my dad transfer my didi out of my district.. my dad used 2 b e leader of my district.. he is e asst. district leader.. in other words.. there's another district above him.. ever since my dad rise as e asst.district.. e district leader himself arent doin his part 4 e district.. cos he noes tat my dad is there 2 help him.. feelin frustrated n wantin him 2 do his part.. my dad transfered out of e district.. n my mom now.. she is e asst.district wd leader as well.. but my district.. e leaders themselves hav lotsa mis-communciation.. if e leaders themselves cant even communicate, how can e leaders interact well wif e members??

last time we used 2 hav gosho studies durin district meetings.. i dun seems 2 learn anythingy abt nichiren daishonin n so on.. if not 4 mi 2 attend e entrance exam n e byakuren kenshu yester.. i nv hav noe so much.. oh ya.. entrance exam.. my ywd n mi registered 4 it 2gether.. she was e one who encourages mi 2 take up e exam.. though i nv realli put in effort 2 go 4 e study meetings n study hard 4 it.. i still went 4 e exam last week.. but my leader didnt go.. y i nv attend study meetings?? cos my leader nv go.. so i didnt even feel like attendin.. guess i'll hav 2 wait another 3 yrs 2 attend e exam again ba.. haiz..

i will make yr 2006 a fulfilling yr 4 mi.. i wun waste my time on those unimportant stuff liao.. jus like my relation.. is was a down turn 4 mi last yr.. i broke off wif my ex on e dae i actuall celebrated my da jie, stephanie's bdae.. tat dae was realli a bit bad 4 mi.. if i'm wasnt wif her n e grp of soka frenz.. i wun noe wat silly thingy i'll do 2 myself.. n mani thingy happened as well.. jus dunoe wanna tok abt it..

i oso wanna thankie a few persons here.. tat is.. STEPHANIE.. she was e one who help mi a lot n pushin mi 4 activites.. JIAFENG oso.. like my da jie, stephanie.. tis brother-in-law of mine.. oso forces mi a lot.. n MELVIN.. durin my bdae celebration.. he told mi a very big incident tat happens in his family.. thru tat incident he told mi.. i came out wif my decision of solvin my probz.. n of cos BENNY lohz.. he tok 2 mi alot while we were walkin down e streets of orchard.. n ANNA.. my ywd leader.. she oso encourages mi a lot.. hmmm.. of cos there's other frenz as well.. sorrie 4 troublin u guys.. thankie 4 bein there 4 mi.. love u guys alwaz.. rmb.. u guys r e most impt assets of my life.. *wink*


Watch ur thoughts, they bcum ur words.
Watch ur words, they bcum ur actions.
Watch ur actions, they bcum ur habits.
Watch ur habits, they bcum ur character.
Watch ur character, they bcum ur liking

jessica loh is already dead !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ jessica loh is already dead!!!!!!!! ]

* haiz.. so much misery surroundin mi.. n guess wat.. i'm suffocatin ar.. recently.. sum stupid rashes appeared on my skin.. haiz.. makin my skin so itchy.. oh no.. no choice.. is jus too itchy.. so i went 2 e doc.. n he gave mi mc.. wif tat.. i hav 2 inform my manager n tell him i wun b there 4 work.. n guess wat.. i sms him he dun wanna reply.. e next dae.. my mom wans mi 2 go 2 e doc again.. so no choice.. tis time round i called him.. called him 4 times n my dad called him twice.. he simply dun wanna pick up my call on purpose.. nvm it's okie.. so i called e office n look 4 him instead..

e moment he pick up e call.. he scolded mi.. sae i shld call e office instead of callin his hp.. i nv noe tat there such a rule ard in e company.. he jus unhappi over mi.. tis is my 1st job.. nobodi tells mi wat 2 do.. i jus hav 2 search n explore my way those all these shit.. thru out e 10 mins call.. i'm jus sayin hmmmm... n listenin 2 all those unreasonable n unneccesary scoldin from mi.. time n again.. he threatens mi.. sae bcos benson(my dad), i'll b ard till now.. if it's others.. they will b sack alread..

i rmb.. when i was confirmed by e company.. e HR director, who is oso my lao ban niang told mi in front of my manager tat " no one will compare u wif ur dad, u r u.. n ur dad is dad ".. he even agreed wif her.. but now.. my life is alwaz threatenin wif danger.. i jus dunoe who will stab mi from e back again.. i told my dad wat happened after i put down e fone.. guess wat.. i realli cant stand e pressure.. i bust out in2 tears.. i cried.. i jus realli tired.. y?? y mi?? y wateva i do, he's jus unhappi over mi?? y do i hav such a hypocritical manager?? he alwaz so nice 2 mi onli when e boss is ard.. but when my boss isnt.. here cums his fox's tail..

he alwaz threaten 2 sack mi.. n alwaz sae bcos of mi dad.. i can stay in e company till now.. haiz.. is jus hatred n personal attack btw e 2 of us.. 1 yr plus in e company.. i jus dunoe when will i realli break down.. he jus simply dun work wif compassion.. i'm jus a 17 yrs old ger.. he alwaz bull shit in e company.. tink tat he noes everything.. hahaha.. tat's funny.. he dun allows mi 2 tok.. ever 2 my jie n my close fren anna.. if they tok 2 mi.. they will in turn gets scoldin.. n he alwaz use my lao ban niang 2 threaten mi.. ever if i wanna take mc.. it mus b bcos of veri veri serious illness.. sumtimes.. it's not i realli loves skippin work.. is jus tat.. i alwaz weak.. i often hav flu.. n doc alwaz give mi mc.. he noe i'm under pressure.. i cant affect 2 neglect even is jus small sickness like cold flu..

i jus dunoe when will i go crazy.. i realli love tis job.. is alwaz filled wif challenges n filled wif experiences.. everyone is nice 2 mi.. onli my manager n my leader.. 2 hypocrites in one small department.. is realli bull shit.. i noe both boss n lao ban niang realli treat mi n my family veri nice.. dad n uncle roger (boss) noe each other 4 almost 30 yrs.. my dad used 2 work there.. but he met sum conflict n he left.. now he's back.. he intro mi in.. even wifout an interview by him(my manager).. i'm arranged 2 work in e qc under e instruction of boss.. tat's e veri 1st thingy tat makes him(my manager) so bei song(not happi).. now boss paid 4 y german course n wans mi 2 go 2 germany.. he's even more unahppi.. cos he alwaz wish tat boss will put his baobei(my leader) 4 e training in germany..

when he scolds mi.. he will sae " go hm n tell ur mom i scold u".. isnt tat tryin 2 threaten my mom 2 cum 2 company n scold him?? luckily my mom didnt.. once in a while, boss will look 4 mi.. he will alwaz ask how's my work n how's thingy in my department.. i'll alwaz sae " everythingy is fine, my manager treats mi veri nice ".. when one of e production manager knew tat i'm alwaz speakin up 4 my manager from my dad.. he sae i'm stupid n silly.. y dun i speak up e truth.. n y mus i cover up 4 him.. my manager's reputation in e company is bad.. he isnt gd wif all e salepersons: jess,soon hoe, uncle adrain, uncle ng, jeremy.. he isnt gd wif my director, uncle jonathan too.. neither e production managers like him especially uncle tok.. even my director dun likes him.. can u imagine?? there's oso a setter whom he used 2 b gd wif.. uncle seet.. now.. uncle seet dun even wanna speak 2 my manager..

tis thingy came in2 e ears of my boss.. even my boss oso feel tat it's cruel 2 treat a 17 yrs old ger wif hatred n personal attack.. he handle tis issue 2gether wif my dad n my director.. boss ask him twice.. " are u able 2 handle jessica or not??" till e end, my manager did not answer my boss.. he got a warning from my boss.. but till now.. is alread 2 weeks le.. thingys nv get anythingy better.. he still scolds mi wif out reasons.. but i noe i cant leave tis company.. cos i'm indebted 2 boss.. 4 wat he had done 2 my family.. my life is threatening 4 every sec i live.. my family.. now oso havin probz.. my idiotic bro oso veri kb.. he jus dun listen anyone of us.. n his studies.. jsu like shit.. i dun wan him 2 b like mi workin at such a young age..

haiz.. my mom n dad oso addin on 2 my pressure.. i noe they r tired at work.. but can u spare a tot tat i'm tired too?? i jus cant get 2 slp 4 e past 1 week.. n noe i'm been havin headache n flu.. but i noe i cant go 2 doc.. cos i can take mc again.. my studies.. is in a mess.. i cant opt 4 night class in poly.. they need min. 3 yrs of experience in my field.. my gakkai activities.. is tiring goin 4 meetin after work.. but i noe i need 2 chant hard 4 wisdom n strengthen.. 4 e gd fortunate..my byakuren training.. my work.. i oso dunoe wat 2 do.. i even tot of commitin suicide though i noe it wun helps.. but it will lessen my pain.. frenz mite find mi cheerful.. but i'm no longer e same old mi..

JESSICA LOH IS ALREADY DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!